Frank Report XXXIX

Welcome to the latest edition of the Frank Report, where you find the nation in striking mood. First it was barristers, then the nurses, but leading the charge is the RMT’s aptly-named Mick Lynch, who’s never met a walkout he couldn’t justify. This time round, Lynch is demanding six months of misery or a seven percent pay rise, because you can’t expect train drivers to make ends meet on a measly seventy grand, can you?

Failing to strike the right note for the Conservatives is Liz Truss, who not only labours beneath the Herculean weight of a 33-point deficit to Keir Starmer, but presides over an administration which has lost half its 2019 voters. The U-turn on the abolition of the top rate of tax is bad enough, but some Tory insiders are so aggrieved at the mini-budget, there are rumours Truss could be toast by Christmas. And with her approval only one point above Corbyn’s worst reading, and the worst ever for a sitting Prime Minister, it’s hard to argue with them.

That really would leave the country up shit creek without a partygate, placing it at the mercy of Keir Starmer - a man whose essence was clearly bottled in a vacuum. Let’s forget the charisma bypass however, because Starmer is not the only Westminster leader who would benefit from new EU Parliament approval for common chargers for electronic devices - if nothing else, Liz Truss could be discretely plugged in between cabinet meetings. No, Starmer’s personality is the least of his problems; here is a man who believes ‘it’s wrong to say only women have a cervix’, who kneels ‘in solidarity’ with the worst race hucksters in history, BLM, and who publicly admits the CPS ‘failed grooming victims’. If you think he’s going to make your life better, you want shooting.

Someone who clearly wants shooting, or at least gently putting out of his misery, is Prince Harry, who is said to be ‘radiating the same sadness’ as Edward VIII. While it may be true that Hazza betrayed his country, his family and his lineage for the wokest blowjob in history, unlike his great-great uncle at least he holds the prestigious title of brand ambassador for Eunuch.com - which should bring in a pretty penny. Still, it must rankle a bit as Prince William inherits the Billion-pound Duchy of Cornwall, with an income of £23M per annum, and he is forced to sit through Nutmeg’s moronic podcast of an evening. You win some, you lose some Ginger.

It’s getting a bit late in the day for the Covid scam, but if you believe that will dishearten the media you haven’t been paying attention.‘Covid cases double in a month to 200,00 a day and are set to soar to a new record by November’ they claim, so get your fifth, sixth, seventh jab in while stocks last. It used to be ‘three strikes and you’re out’, but not for Corona which western governments are going to flog to death - yours, if they can manage it - which should save them having to fork out that £120k pittance they promised you.

And yet, the truth is beginning to emerge, from the unlikeliest of sources. The UK government has confirmed, nine in every ten Covid deaths of the last year have been among the fully/triple vaccinated. Sweden has halted vaccinations for healthy children (imagine that), and even Putin is insisting on Covid jabs for conscripts in the war against Ukraine - which saves rounding them up and shooting them when they desert, I suppose. Still, not everyone is singing from the same hymn book. Wales First Minister, Mark Drakeford, sees no reason for a Welsh Covid inquiry, as apparently ‘the world has moved on’ - ‘moved on’ presumably being a euphemism for ‘no longer asking questions, thanks to being dead’.

Having absolutely no plans to move on, are the thousands of illegal gimmegrants washing up on the south coast of Britain without so much as a hair or an ISIS tattoo out of place. Suella Braverman has promised dramatic action in the Channel, but so far this merely looks like more bribes to the French to do the job they have already welshed on several times. Meanwhile, the 35,000-odd doctors and engineers have to be stored somewhere, and it seems the government has decided to stash them in stately homes up and down the country. Which means the next series of Downton Abbey is likely to feature a little less white privilege than you’re used to, with Lord Anjem of Choudary issuing fatwas against Carson for his repeated hate crime of bacon and eggs at breakfast.

If Islamophobia’s not your bag, don’t worry - we’ve got plenty of other racism to choose from. Diane Abbott has reprimanded Keir Starmer for ‘taking Black people for granted’, and she must be right because even Kwasi Kwarteng is now considered the ‘wrong type of black person for Labour’. Another black person voting the wrong way is Kanye West, who was blasted for the ‘disgusting’ decision to wear a White Lives Matter T-shirt before anyone had worked out how to monetise it.

‘Slave’ clocks are to strike no more at the University of Salford, as management focusses its efforts on ‘decolonising the curriculum’. And in a rare move, there is some pushback against woke wankery, as a Christian nurse, Amy Gallagher, is suing the NHS for 'forcing racist ideology' on students in a lecture entitled, 'whiteness - a problem of our time’. She is white, regrettably, which is likely to mean the sham charges brought against her that she had 'inflicted race-based harm' and as a result could not work with 'diverse populations’ are likely to be upheld.

To avoid accusations of racism altogether, most authorities seem to have decided the easy solution is to simply strike honkies from the conversation entirely - which is what Westminster University Students’ Union has done with any whities trying to embrace Black History Month. Liberals used to balk at segregation, now hardcore progressives balk at integration.

In other news, we wish a happy 60th anniversary to the James Bond franchise, a diamond jubilee which has seen Sean Connery morph into a weak-chinned, feminist Guardianista. With Bond’s next instalment expected to be a non-binary crossdressing trans activist, there are rumours that Eddie Izzard is in-line for the role. Although Eddie currently has his hands full in the women’s toilets, as Primark re-introduces women only fitting rooms - which is likely to mean the more upmarket ensembles he puts together will now need to be sourced elsewhere.

Reformed burglar, Sam Edwards, who launched ‘Sam’s Burglary Prevention’ in 2019 giving locals tips on how to avoid being targeted by scumbags such as himself, has since been arrested again for burglary - what were the odds against that? While visiting Florida in the wake of Hurricane Ian, the US President was caught claiming ‘no one fucks with a Biden’ - an inarguable statement, unless one includes China, Russia, North Korea, Iran, and every crack whore in the vicinity of Malibu.

And finally, after continuous bullying at work, accountant Darren Carvill decided to go out with a bang, and stole £170k from bosses which he blew in one weekend on prostitutes and cocaine. It would have been half a million of course, but Keith Vaz turned down his invitation at the last minute.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whatever you’re taking a stand against.

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Thank you.

Frank Haviland,

Editor