International Women’s Day

I have to confess as a fully paid up member of the Patriarchy, International Women’s Day has never really done it for me. It does take the shine rather unsportingly off the wife-beating, rape and misogyny if you have to pretend to give a shit about the feminist cause in the process. 

But that was then. 

Nowadays, International Women’s Day is far more inclusive, and it’s great to see all those 20-stone bearded Brendas fully embracing not just their inner transvestism but also their self-delusion, as they try to convince they/themselves that they look good in a frock. Body positivity took a long time coming, but thank Christ we can now enjoy the bountiful sights of beer gut and meat and two veg attempting to negotiate a boundary dispute within the flimsiest of negligées. 

The fact that Ten Tonne Tessies have not only persuaded themselves, but also the majority of the great and the good that they are indeed female, is surely the crowning achievement of the political left. Cock and bull stories concocted to engender victimhood are naturally ten a penny, but the creation of the mythical ‘transwoman’ is surely the ballsiest on record. 

The great irony of the trans ‘debate’, is its not so latent misogyny. I’ve known some misogynists in my time – I’ve even occasionally been accused of resembling one myself. But the Patriarchy’s invention of ‘transwomen’ to further subjugate women is another matter entirely. Transwomen are men; masquerading unconvincingly as women (less convincingly still as feminists), whose sole remit appears to be the denial of women their own spheres. No longer are women permitted their own sports, beauty pageants, shortlists, award ceremonies, or even prisons – and if you happen to object, you’re anti-woman. You can’t argue with the genius of such hypocrisy, and true to form, transwomen have even got real women to do the majority of the heavy-lifting. 

Never let it be said The New Conservative denied credit where it was due, and so we offer kudos to those most unconvincing of pantomime dames, who nonetheless get the woke playing along. While it’s hard to pick a winner from this crowded field, notable mentions must surely go to the following: 

Munroe Bergdorf (recently selected by the United Nations to be ‘UK Champion for Women’s Rights’). Bergdorf is a former L’Oreal model and Labour Party LGBT adviser, who quit after the social media rumours about him “turned into nasty tabloid fodder, blown out of all proportion.” Ridiculous when you think about it – all he did was classify the white race as “the most violent and oppressive force of nature on Earth” – perhaps he wasn’t racy enough for Labour?

Dylan Mulvaney (Attitude magazine’s Woman of the Year 2023). Mulvaney is just your average attention-seeking five-year-old in a Disney princess dress, except that he spends most of his time as a 30-year-old man attempting to fill out a padded bra instead of his Speedos. Still, that spare prick he carries around has its uses – securing advertising endorsements from major companies, who clearly don’t mind the odd $27 billion dip in the share price if it gets them on-board with the trans lobby.  

Jeffrey Marsh. Unlike Mulvaney who’s all ‘Me, me, me!’, Marsh is concerned with ‘You, you, you!’, or more specifically ‘your children’. Born a generation too late to play the Childcatcher in Disney’s Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Marsh consoles himself by targeting children online, where he encourages young people to spend ‘connected time’ with him in a ‘private space.’ He also encourages children to ‘go no-contact’ with their parents.

Rachel Levine (USA Today’s Woman of the Year 2022). Levine pulled off a major coup when he became America’s first transgender Assistant Secretary of Health. That wasn’t quite enough of a contradiction for Rachel however, so he pushed the boat out with the assertion that changing kids’ genders has the ‘highest support’ of the Biden administration, and is key to the mental health of minors.

Lia Thomas (Honoured by ESPN during Women’s History Month). More and more women are discovering the benefits of the dingle-dangle – specifically the advantages it can bring. First and foremost, there’s sport. While the three-legged race has long been a staple for mums and dads at school sports day, female athletes are only just coming around to the realisation that a third leg is about as close as you can get to the guarantee of Olympic gold (assuming you’re not blessed with any actual talent, that is). Lia Thomas was a pioneer in that regard, coming a lacklustre 462nd in men’s collegiate swimming, before smuggling his performance enhancing rudder into the female competition and mysteriously winning the women’s National Championship – what were the odds?

India Willoughby (nominated for Britain’s Woman of the Year 2023). Former news presenter Willoughby has been in the news of late, after he reported J K Rowling to the police for the crime of ‘misgendering’ him on social media. Rowling has previously stated she’d happily do two years in chokey rather than use a trans person’s pronouns, and clearly refuses to pretend that ‘he’ is a ‘she’. I’d have thought the matter was much simpler than that however, surely Rowling should just report Willoughby back to the police for the crime of misgendering himself?

To all my fellow fat, unloved, ugly men I’ve overlooked on International Women’s Day I’d like to offer my sincere apologies – but really, if you can’t even be bothered to wax and slip into something more uncomfortable, why should we bother noticing?

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

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