The Alternative Budget

With the recent Budget going down about as well as Keir Starmer at an orgy for those who can actually see, it looks set to be a rough week for the Treasury. Taxing things others can only dream of is clearly Rachel Reeves’ first love; closely followed by plagiarism, ‘winning’ chess tournaments by coming joint 26^th, and working as an undercover economist in an HBOS complaints department. Having hoovered up all the low-hanging fruit however - non-doms, private schools, and anyone rash enough to own a second home or dare to die with a few quid left - Reeves is clearly running out of ideas. It didn’t have to be this way.

Successive governments have absolutely zero intention of preventing the cornucopia of new crime mass migration has brought the British public. That being the case, it seems to me the least they could do is make diversity our greatest strength in the only way Labour truly understands: tax the fuck out of it.

Illegal Immigration

Given that the dinghies aren’t stopping and large parts of Britain now resemble downtown Karachi, it’s time to treat illegal immigration as the cash cow it was obviously born to be. How about a modest £5,000 ‘Administrative Processing fee’ per head (cash preferred; crypto and gold teeth also accepted at the current black-market rate), payable on arrival at Dover? Call it the ‘Welcome to Britain Luxury Upgrade Package’. For an extra £500 you get a room at a four-star hotel of your choice, instead of a shared tent outside Shabana Mahmood’s house in Birmingham. This way everyone wins, even the taxpayer.

Knife Crime

Why not incentivise the Old Bill to actually implement Stop and Search, particularly when there’s a few quid in it for them? Simple possession could set you back £100 per blade. Zombie knives on the other hand should cost you £500, because if you insist on looking like an extra from Mad Max, you can bloody well pay for the privilege. Butterfly knives carry a 20% hipster surcharge.

Actual knife crime would be treated at £250 per incident, with a bulk discount for multiple stabbings committed in the same evening. Proceeds to fund the NHS, which will certainly need it because the victims are, naturally, headed straight there. Bonus: it’s carbon neutral as all the knives are already in circulation - at least Mad Miliband will be placated.

Grooming Gangs

The government should consider offering a tiered system. A Bronze licence (£10,000 p/a), allows grooming within your own postcode (cash-back offered for every member of your own family you abuse). Silver (£25,000), gives you the whole borough. Gold (£100,000) comes with a complimentary ‘Community Cohesion Officer’, who promises not to notice anything for a minimum of five years. Platinum (£1M, invitation only) includes a seat on the local safeguarding board, a glowing reference from Keir Starmer naming you as a vital component in “An economy that works for the whole country”, and a framed, signed photograph of Jess Phillips saying “This does not mean what you think it means”.

Drugs

Legalise the lot, and tax them like tobacco. Cocaine could be banded by purity, the way whisky is aged. Class A narcotics sold in Waitrose would carry a 40% ‘Ethical Sourcing Premium’. There would be a 25% surcharge for anyone supplying MPs, and a 100% surcharge in cases where the dealers are MPs.

Miscellaneous

While we’re at it, here’s a few alternative avenues the Chancellor might like to look into:

• Breathing (while white and working-class): £2 per lungful above the WHO guidelines.

• Owning a driveway you worked 30 years to afford: £800 “Congestion Equity Charge’.

• Complaining about any of the above on social media: £150 ‘Hate Speech Processing Fee’.

• Being Jewish: £1,000 a pop, rising to £10,000 for anyone insisting on doing so in Golders Green, Hendon or Stamford Hill.

With these modest measures in place, the £22Bn black hole disappears overnight, the national debt is paid of by Ramadan, and Rachel Reeves finally has enough left over to buy a personality. The one thing the Chancer of the Exchequer would be well-advised to steer clear of, is a tax on masturbation. It sounds tempting of course, but we wouldn’t want the entire Labour front-bench declared bankrupt before Christmas now would we?

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

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(Photograph: Kirsty O’Connor / Treasury, OGL 3 <http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/doc/open-government-licence/version/3>, via Wikimedia Commons)