The Frank Report II

More shock revelations this week, as it transpires northerners mysteriously bought more alcohol during lockdown; feminists rage at the AA for refusing to prioritise stranded female drivers - equal treatment (except in emergencies, obvs), and Health Secretary Said Javid admitted daily government figures ‘might’ be unreliable, with high Covid death rates skewed by people who died from other causes.

Meanwhile, figures at the Home Office have become something of an embarrassment. Watching illegal migrants cross the Channel in their hundreds before breakfast, Priti Patel has decided that (like the Grooming Gangs review), daily reports are no longer in the public interest. Instead, we will be getting 3-monthly updates, which should allow the lads a little breathing space to lose their IDs, or at least vote for the next Labour defector.

In Downing Street, Carrie’s £200k wallpaper is unlikely to be stripped anytime soon as the coup against Boris Johnson appears to have been unsuccessful. Thanks in part to the most unappealing opposition since Fred and Rose West applied to run the NSPCC, and the fact that Johnson has conveniently relaxed Plan B restrictions in the nick of time: it’s amazing how relaxed you become about pandemics, when your premiership is in jeopardy.

Decor aside, there remains a certain amount of confusion at Number 10 as Tracy Emin demands her artwork be taken down in the wake of ‘Partygate’. Unfortunately, no one is quite sure which ‘artwork’ this refers to - the unmade bed, the unkempt hair, or the unflushed bog.

Speaking of unflushable turds, Tony Blair’s Knighthood nightmare continues apace. Despite the almost unfathomable magnanimity of not demanding the public refer to him as ‘Sir’, ‘Call me Tony’ couldn’t resist stirring the pot this week by claiming Britain is set to ‘slip gently into lower league’ of nations. It must be tough for Tone, seeing the UK ‘closest to any country in being out of the pandemic’, and with financial experts predicting Brexit Britain will ‘outpace every other G7 economy in 2022’.

The current Labour Party leader is not having an easy time of it either, with the extraordinary disclosure on LBC that he has not contacted Barry Gardiner since it emerged he had taken money from a suspected Chinese spy. But then, why would you? With the Labour Party smorgasbord currently running to Grooming Gang cover-ups, rampant antisemitism, ankle tags in parliament, drug dealer sons for communications officers, and acid attacks on the menu, Barry’s got to up his game a bit.

In any event, Comrade Gardiner only accepted £400k from Christine Lee, which is chickenfeed compared to Rishi Sunak. The Chancellor has written off £4.3Bn in Covid payments stolen by fraudsters, but to balance the books he’s going to give families a one-off ‘cost of living bonus’ of £500 of their own money; all’s well that ends well.

The James Bond franchise looks set to continue, as Barbara Broccoli confirms Idris Elba is ‘part of the conversation’ to play the world’s most famous spy. It is clear that only racism could explain opposition to a black man playing the Eton and Geneva-educated, multilingual son of a Swiss mother and a father from the Scottish Highlands. Coincidentally, my pet tortoise is ‘in the conversation’ (and auditioned well) for the role of Idris Elba in an upcoming documentary, so I hope they both come away winners.

Perhaps the one thing Elba has against him (my tortoise too, for that matter), is that he is, presumably, still with todger firmly in place. There are growing calls (Keir Starmer among them) for the next Bond to be female; and with the House of Lords voting to make misogyny a hate crime, failure to cast anyone without the bare minimum of a ‘trans’ prefix, might be considered selling the audience short.

As Westminster prepares to reconsider the bill, it may be our last opportunity to parade our women-hating in public. Allow me then to highlight the real reason Nicola Sturgeon demands the EU flag be flown from all Scottish buildings - there is limited advertising space on her broomstick.

That was Frank’s week,

I hope yours was a good one!