The Frank Report I

Shocking revelations this week that while the nation languished under lockdown, those in charge of the scamdemic were not following their own rules. With the garden party season in full swing at Downing Street, the only people uninvited to the countless illegal raves appears to have been certain sections of the media and poor old Keir Starmer, who had to travel as far as Durham before anyone would serve him a beer.

Slightly less shocking, is the Chinese takeover of the Labour Party. Two years after releasing the virus equivalent of Nick Clegg upon the West, the CCP has clearly decided to go all-in and unleash their secret weapon - Barry Gardiner. With the slight inconvenience of holding this year’s Labour Party Conference in Beijing, this does rather beg the question: if you’re sinking all your money into Barry, just how ineffectual are Keir Starmer and Jeremy Corbyn? At any rate, with Labour currently enjoying a 10-point lead in the polls (the highest for almost a decade), Comrade Gardiner is clearly the way to go - the Great Red Wall may get rebuilt, after all.

Meanwhile, the party is over for Novax Djokovic - the party pooper in this case being Australia. You’d think they’d have bigger crimes to deal with down under, having started life as a penal colony, and being responsible for Kylie Minogue, but no. Almost 250 years on, the Aussies are still looking for new recruits. For the crime of refusing to pretend that the 19th Covid booster is any more effective than the 18th, Novax is currently being held at Botany Bay - until such time as he submits to the jab, or watches an episode of Neighbours.

As party poopers go, however, Australia is not even in it with Gina Miller - the world’s only woman for whom the phrase ‘face like a smacked arse’ represents egregious understatement. Having lost her demand for a second referendum, Brexit, and presumably the right to lecture the British on how stupid they are, Miller has bounced back with the True and Fair Party - the turnout for which was so desultory, it made Lib Dem conferences look like a mosh pit.

Disappointingly, the Covid crisis is still not being taken seriously outside the Guardianista belt. With a hardcore third of Londoners hesitant to get the vaccine (now with new and improved blood clots, heart attacks and miscarriages, what’s not to like?), drastic measures have been called upon. We were informed this week that, not only do masks make men more attractive (go figure), but in addition you will lose 1.5 inches from your penis if you catch Covid unvaccinated - which as any modern feminist will tell you, most men can ill-afford.

Stripping men to the waist to reveal their vaccine status is the least of the worries for beleaguered Prince Andrew. Stripped not only of his royal titles (shouldn’t that be ‘titties’?), Andy looks set to be stripped of his protection too - but never fear, he’s unlikely to sweat it (as his lawyers will confirm).

As for stripping, if you’re wallpapering this weekend you might just uncover the latest shade of James Bond, the replacement for whom is now being judged solely like a Dulux color chart - top tip: white is a little passé.

And finally, the jury is still out on one Anthony Blair, the rescission of whose knighthood has now been demanded by well a million Brits. It will be interesting if and when the petition breaches the magic17,412,478 number - at which point presumably Her Majesty is entitled to have a second referendum with herself?

That was Frank’s week,

take care of yourselves.