The Frank Report III

30th January 2022

Shocking revelations this week, as arch-remainer Michael Heseltine announced Boris Johnson’s removal would be a chance to reconsider Brexit. Yes, as the whipped cream of cake-gate threatens to go off, the patron saint of sore losers still wants to have his Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte and eat it.

Meanwhile, Liz Truss stands accused of actually using government property for the purpose it was designed; presumably had she flown to Beijing to brief her paymasters, no one would have batted an eyelid. And the nation’s favourite lad about town, Sadiq Khan, has claimed credit for the fall in violent crime during the pandemic; not to be unsporting to London finest’s gangsters, it is hard to maim the citizenry when they’re all padlocked inside their homes.

With stab vests no longer de rigueur on the streets of London, Khan may be able to flog a few to the Ukrainians. As 100,000 Russian troops gather at the Ukraine border, Boris Johnson has reportedly warned Vladimir Putin of a ‘painful, violent and bloody business’ (a possible reference to his most recent pegging from Carrie). On the eve of WWIII, it’s anyone’s guess whether Putin will be sufficiently deterred by the threat of  a night with Britain’s ‘first lady’, or whether the vodka supply lines will break down first.

In policing, the MET have denied delaying Sue Gray’s report into Boris Johnson’s notorious affairs with sponge. Scotland Yard insist they wish to avoid ‘prejudice’ in their investigations, but the truth of the matter is the Old Bill have finally found a crime they fancy. With burglary and assault a trifle passé, and lockdown dodgers no longer good for a backhander, the MET have decided to devote all their efforts to nicking Mr Kipling.

In fact it’s a bad time for Mr K’s all round at the moment. Our northern friend, Kim Jong Un must be going soft in his old age. Perhaps it’s the recent 45-pound weight loss, or a period of relative stability on the peninsula. In any case, the UN have made the unorthodox move of making the despot chair of this summer’s disarmament conference. In North Korea this kind of piss-take can only be understood as a challenge to one’s masculinity, causing Lil Kim to understandably bash off a few missiles; that 100% voter base won’t defend itself, after all.

From alpha males to big girl’s blouses: Maybelline model and part-time Canada PM,Trudeau, is currently hiding behind his wife’s dentures at an undisclosed location. Justine, who labelled the Covid mandate protestors a ‘small fringe minority of people who hold unacceptable views’, seems genuinely shocked that 50,000 Canadian truckers showed up to abusively disabuse him of such a position.

In women’s health, it is reassuring to see the government taking steps to ban ‘Hymenoplasty’, crudely known as ‘virginity repair’. While no one in authority seems keen to explain the sudden surge in this cosmetic area, it’s worth remembering that FGM affects an estimated 137,000 women in UK, with only one successful conviction back in 2019. That’s Uk government for you: all the efficacy of a sticking plaster, and only £2.2 Trillion debt for the privilege.

In other matters gynaecological, rumours are that former ISIS pin-up, Shamima Begum, has an increased chance of returning home, thanks to claims she was the ‘victim of modern slavery’. This is a bit hard to swallow when you consider her performances before BBC acting classes: Begum left Britain in 2015, aged 15, to become a jihadi bride (Tinder, fast-track option). She ‘didn’t regret going’, ‘wasn’t fazed’ by the severed heads, and ‘had a good time’ at the camp. Now Begum insists she wants to head home and advise the PM on deradicalisation. Begum’s lawyer meanwhile, refused to confirm rumours she turned down Keir Starmer’s offer of a shadow cabinet post.

And finally, as if severed heads weren’t bad enough, the University of Chester English Department has been forced to put trigger warnings on Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, as it ‘can lead to difficult conversations about gender, race, sexuality, class and identity’. Perhaps, like Begum, British undergraduates should all spend their gap years in Syria. Maybe then they’d be better equipped to read the raciest works the canon has to offer?

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves - you know the government won’t!