The Frank Report IV

Amid the growing turmoil at Number 10 this week, were reports that Boris Johnson’s enemies have decided to switch the attack to wife Carrie. Former chief advisor, Dominic Cummings, opened the bidding by labelling the PM ‘a babbling fuckwit, who is scared to stand up to his wife’, which has got to be up there with the most under-appreciated best man’s speeches of all-time. Johnson, in response, has hired two new aides to steady the ship.

Meanwhile, with Covid seemingly a spent force, AIDS is the latest disease we’re being encouraged to pretend we have. None other than Jess Phillips was spotted proudly testing herself for HIV this week in a Twitter video: ‘It took 15 minutes to give me peace of mind - you should do it too’, she said. But with the entire nation under house arrest for the best part of two years, catching HIV might be considered pushing your luck.

Speaking of two years in chokey, that’s what now awaits you under the controversial Online Safety Bill, which plans to punish those posting messages ‘likely to cause harm’. Comedian Jimmy Carr, may well be first in line for prosecution if he doesn’t toe the line and limit himself to jokes people don’t find funny.

Something apparently without limit is the current UK hotel bill for the 37,000 illegal immigrants basking at the taxpayers’ largesse. This was erroneously reported as £1.2M per day last week, but has subsequently been corrected to £4.7M - or a week’s worth of David Lammy expenses, depending on your reference point.

In London, our beloved Mayor is currently at loggerheads with the MET. Sadiq is rumoured to be ‘angry and disgruntled’ over misogyny, racism and bullying allegations at Scotland Yard. In fact, Khant has put Dick ‘on notice’, which is usually the way of the world when ladies and gentleman fall out. Still, Sadiq has managed to arrange sterling entertainment in the capital, which culminated in last week’s impromptu sword fight on a London bus. Initially shocked by the scene, passengers were reassured by the participants adherence to the mask mandate, and consequently the police were not called.

In other news, ‘far-right extremism’ is apparently on the rise, with an attack likely this year. This will be a welcome addition to the nation’s struggling tourism industry, as 90% of MI5’s terror watch list are out of work jihadis, who just can’t get the gigs in such a competitive field.

The British Army meanwhile is taking a day out to ‘reflect on inclusivity’, and it’s certainly long overdue. Presumably this means that any future threat to this sceptred isle will be ignored, if it can’t even be bothered to disguise itself as a white, middle-class Brexit voter?

Someone who’s been spending a great deal of time reflecting recently, is Prince Harry. The once lovable, snappiest-dressed Nazi turned woke warrior, has admitted from his $14M mansion that he often ‘experiences burnout’, and is meditating every day since marrying Meghan. Anyone have the heart to tell him?

Others suffering burnout must surely include Spotify, who have been under increasing pressure from artists to remove Joe Rogan, or face a boycott. As a preventative measure, Spotify have promised to issue ‘content warnings’ - not something they ever have to bother about with the artists Harry and Meghan, who are quite happy to take the $25M as vacuously as everything else they do.

In global news, it was World Hijab Day this week, which never ceases to provide western feminists the opportunity to fetishise the suffering, oppression and murder of fellow sisters, as they sip their 10-nicker chai lattes. It is rumoured however, that a certain Justine Trudeau is currently taking full advantage of the hijab, in exile as he is, at least until the nasty truckers go away.

And finally, the nation’s congratulations must go to Elizabeth II on reaching her platinum jubilee. Seventy years on the throne is clearly long enough for anyone, and her Majesty should be more than qualified for a safe Labour seat, should she get bored post abdication.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, you know the government won’t.