The Frank Report IX

International Women’s Day kicked the week off, and as is customary, the cock was optional. It’s nice to see women taking the lead for once, with men playing a more supportive role. Getting us underway was Labour’s Claudia Webbe, who tweeted ‘Nuclear weapons are not good for the survival of humanity. They must be eliminated.’ Webbe, who famously keeps her vitriol armed and ready to go, nonetheless found support from the SNP’s ballistic missile, Ian Blackford, who insisted Britain must remove Trident, so as not to antagonise the Russians.

Prince Harry meanwhile (rarely off the lead, and long since having surrendered his nuclear weapon), was spotted ‘enjoying himself’ at a rodeo. It is unclear what punishment the Countess of Wokery will exact for this frivolity, though anonymous royal insiders did comment, ‘She’ll have to sew them back on first.’

From the world’s most expensive legover to the world’s most expensive non-legover, Prince Andrew has apparently settled his £12M lawsuit with Virginia Giuffre; we are told, without a penny coming from taxpayers. It’s been a rough period for Her Majesty - not only recovering from Covid, but also finding her purse considerably lighter as she met Canada PM, Justine Trudeau. Fears were expressed for the Queen’s health as the pair appeared sans masques, until Liz winked at the camera and said, ‘If you can’t take a few of these bastards with you, what’s the point of living?’

Her Majesty notwithstanding, misogyny persists in the far-flung corners of the Commonwealth. Nicola Sturgeon made the unusual manoeuvre this week of apologising to women ‘accused of witchcraft’. One can’t help suspect however, that the old crone has (if not a dog) at least a black cat and a broomstick in the fight.

At Westminster too, misogyny rears its ugly head from the most surprising quarters. Self-declared feminist, John Bercow, for whom most women are already on a pedestal, was nonetheless found guilty of being a ‘serial bully’ and a liar. I must confess I’m sad to see Bercow’s fall from grace, having always found the bullying and lying to be the most likeable things about him.

Keen to ensure London is a safe space for women (at least while they’re not being gang-raped or having their clitorises cut off), mayor Khan is making ‘staring’ a crime on TFL. He is also offering women ‘menopause leave’, in a bid to remove ‘the last workplace taboo’. The cynic in me can’t help suspecting that Sadie (getting on a bit herself), is possibly planning her exit from the job. If ‘they’ come out as transgender in the near future, remember you heard it here first.

The Labour Party are of course more than eager to assist women, if only they could recognise one. Shadow Equalities Minister, Annalise Dodds, attempted to explain what a woman is, but couldn’t do any better than ‘It does depend what the context is.’ Shadow Home Secretary, Yvette Cooper, refused to ‘go down the rabbit hole’, although fortunately for Cooper her husband conveniently has balls in his name, which should give her a clue.

Keir Starmer meanwhile, insists ‘transwomen are women’, and wants people legally entitled to self-identify their gender. Education standards must be slipping, but when I was at primary school, even the slowest learners in the class could reliably identify the contents of their pants. 

Thankfully no such problems exist in America, who have Kamala Harris on hand to explain the complex issues of the day. This week the Vice President had to explain WWIII to her 81 million voters; distilling what in the wrong hands would have been esoteric gobbledegook:

So, Ukraine is a country in Europe. It exists next to another country called Russia. Russia is a bigger country. Russia is a powerful country. Russia decided to invade a smaller country called Ukraine. So, basically, that’s wrong, and it goes against everything that we stand for.

I don’t know where you get your news from, but rumours are Big Bird and Ernie watch Kamala Street.

The word on the street is, cancel culture doesn’t exist - but we all knew that anyway. This week, Cardiff Philharmonic definitely didn’t pull Tchaikovsky from their programme, as it was ‘inappropriate’ during the Ukraine conflict. Nigel Farage’s first ‘Vote Power Not Poverty’ event absolutely wasn’t cancelled. And the letter ‘Z’ most certainly was not cancelled, after choosing to self-identify as Russia’s swastika. Fortunately for Kamala Street viewers, ‘Z’ isn’t one of the seven letters Harris employs when writing her speeches.

And finally, bad news for Jussie Smollett who begins a 150-day jail term for lying to police about being the victim of a hate crime. Despite being black and gay, Smollett clearly wanted to up his victimhood status - why he didn’t just self-identify as female is beyond me. It does seem a bit harsh, forcing him to share a cell with his assailant, but I trust the pair of them can work out their differences over an inclusive bowl of porridge.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourself, and whichever gender you’re employing.

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