The Frank Report L

Welcome to this festive edition of The Frank Report. Yes, we finally made it! A Christmas unsullied by lockdown loons in Downing Street. Unrestricted by social distancing, we can now get back to proper Christian values - fisticuffs over Monopoly, lynching whichever bastard keeps leaving their wrappers in the Quality Street tin, and that time-honoured tradition of stealing grandad’s teeth when he falls asleep in front of the TV. I shall try to keep this reasonably brief, as it’s 4am and -17° here, and besides having fingers colder than Bob Crachit’s nose-picking pinkie, I doubt I have more than two hours before my daughters wake up and realise it’s time to mug Father Christmas! Excuses made, let’s get to it.

There was chaos at Westminster this week, as Rishi Sunak scrapped a Liz Truss Taskforce to secure longterm energy deals for Britain. Thank Christ we’ve got a billionaire man-of-the-people in-charge, who understands the dangers of allowing the plebs too much of their own cash to play with; or God forbid - energy self-sufficiency. After holding it in for the entirety of her teen years, at least Greta can allow herself to fart again with a clear conscience.

Conscience didn’t get the better of the High Court, which has ruled the government’s controversial plans to deport ‘asylum seekers’ to Rwanda is legal. Irritating all the lefty commentariat aside, this is bad news because it relieves pressure on Number 10 and the Home Office to do what they should have been doing years ago - install the Navy in the English Channel, and simply drag the bastards back to France. It doesn’t take a genius to work out the French would never lift a finger to stem the flow of illegals. As a nation unopposed to surrender at the best of times, they’d be fools to start now, particularly when there are limitless bribes on the table. Of course the Home Office isn’t smart (or honest) enough to suss this out, so it has fallen on the people smugglers themselves to inform us that French police simply watch them launch migrant dinghies. What were the odds on that?

Speaking of odds, what’s the odd unexpected cock amongst friends? Not very much it seems, at least in Scotland, which has approved reforms making it easier for transgender people to legally change their gender; removing the need for a medical diagnosis of gender dysphoria, and lowering the minimum age from 18 to 16. In practical terms, this means nothing less than the end of female sport, female spaces and female safety. If you thought no one could top that for stupidity, meet Keir Starmer: the world’s most famous prick trapped in a eunuch’s body. Buoyed up by the situation north of the border, Starmer is demanding ‘Pro-trans laws across the UK’ - which is exactly what you’d do to force the plebs into believing a cock made you female.

If the film Braveheart were remade today, William Wallace would be protecting Scotland’s daughters from the Scots rather than the English. Not only is twenty-stone Jock from Aberdeen now welcome in your daughter’s toilets, but should she neglect to oblige his pronoun-ambiguous rape of her, presumably she can now be done for transphobia? I can’t wait to see that played out in the courts.

One thing’s for certain, racism will definitely be playing out in the courts more in the near future, especially for those chauvinist dinosaurs like Jeremy Clarkson who mistakenly labour under the impression that they are free to hate hateful women like Meghan Markle. That is if the lefty hypocrites have anything to say about the matter (and they usually do), demanding everything from Clarkson’s unequivocal cancellation to changes to the law and even jail time.

Clarkson’s Sun column is now the most complained about piece in history, although one might argue dispassionately that there is nothing special about Markle receiving her fair share of criticism, albeit of a hyperbolic nature. On the subject of misogyny, all the royal ladies have come under more than their share of crude insult; indeed there was substantially less outrage when our beloved monarch’s death provided the opportunity for Uju Anya, an American professor to tweet the following non-joke:

‘I heard the chief monarch of a thieving raping genocidal empire is finally dying. May her pain be excruciating.’

For the Clarkson haters therefore, the tactic of choice is to smart publicly over the insinuation that ‘as a person of colour’, legitimate criticism of Meghan can only be due to racism. The slight downside for those celebrity hand-wringers, is that Meghan Markle ain’t black. If she is ‘a woman of colour’, that colour is Dulux Ultra White. The harsh reality is, you’d be hard-pushed to pick her out of a Downton Abbey line-up - with or without the spray tan.

Lining up still for their 32nd Covid jab meanwhile, are the Armada of arses who still ‘follow the science’, virtue-signal their conformity via social media, and presumably ‘trust’ their governments. This is taking place at a time when technology makes it even harder to stick your head in the sand, as the entire Covid narrative crumbles publicly around us. No matter how much the doom-mongers of the media instruct us ‘Covid cases rise again in the UK just days before Christmas’ (how convenient), perfectly healthy people are still dropping like flies. ‘Sudden death syndrome’ is a nice line, and it’s certainly en vogue. A man died from a heart attack this week while watching Avatar 2 - I must admit I personally died of boredom sitting through the first one, but each to his own. There’s further good news for heart attack sufferers - thanks to the strikes, they are now to be denied ambulances. Sure, they’ll snuff it painfully at home, but that’s got to be infinitely preferable to running the risk of NHS ‘treatment’.

Surprisingly unafraid of NHS treatment are the illegal immigrants now festooning the stately homes the length and breadth of Britain like baubles on the Downing Street Christmas tree. Sadly, the Home Office appears about as prepared to get their fingers out as Joe Biden’s proctologist. Bill Cash has warned the UK must leave the ECHR now, otherwise the migrant crisis will never end. He’s right of course, but there is simply no appetite for such sensible policies on the government front benches. The opposition are even worse (if such a think is imaginable). Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper this week came up with the zinger: ‘It is wrong that illegal entry to the UK is a criminal offence’. There is one bright spot on the horizon however, as the Border Force go on strike. This will not only mean the borders suffer zero loss of protection, but any illegals fancying the journey will need to book their own taxis for the nearest mansion.    

In other news, Meghan and Harry have managed to lose 1.6M viewers in just three episodes of their documentary series. That’ll take some beating, but the Beeb is already on the case as it prepares to launch the ‘Shamima Begum podcast’ on BBC Sounds. If you thought Whinge and Ginge were bad enough, wait till Shammy starts mewling about the racism she felt as an ISIS terrorist devoid of white privilege. Sick buckets de rigueur for that one I should think - but be sure to check there isn’t a decapitated head in it first.

Brighton University came close to the top spot as ‘Woke Wankers’ of the week, when they urged staff not to say ‘Merry Christmas’, because it is ‘too Christian-centric’ and might offend people of ‘faith or no faith’; except Christians, who can do one obviously. Instead, they recommend calling it the ‘winter closure period’. They couldn’t quite compete with US Oberlin College though, who have had to fork out $36M to Gibson’s, a local bakery, after the progressive Ohio school accused the family business of being racist, merely for objecting to black students caught stealing from their store. Merry winter closure period to you too darlings.

The NHS is to spend £100,000 teaching staff how to talk to pregnant transgender men - or women, as we used to call them. And Enoch Burke, the teacher jailed for refusing to use a student’s preferred pronouns, has been released early, after the judge accused him of ‘exploiting his imprisonment for his own ends’ after it turned him into a ‘household name’. I must confess, I always go in for a spot of chokey whenever I fancy living it up.

Handbags at dawn this week as Steve Bray called Owen Jones ‘an insignificant twat’ - how exactly do you pick a side in a fight, when you want both parties to lose? Public urinators will soon see it splashed back in their face, after a new scheme set to be rolled out in London, which will see walls painted with a splash-back substance, leaving you with more than you bargained for the next time you are caught short. Perhaps Westminster Council could build a trial wall along the South Coast of England, and see if it deters any more piss-takers?

And finally, a big shoutout to the one and only Mark Steyn - the only man who can segue from islamic terrorism to Broadway show tunes, without bombing. Mark has sadly been the bearer of not one but two heart attacks (one can only hope not induced by the vaccines), and is currently recuperating in France. We wish Mark all the very best, and hope that he gets his razor wit and intellect back in the game very soon.

That was Frank’s week.

I’d like to wish every one of you a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. And remember, if anyone takes offence at the words ‘Merry Christmas’, just tell them to ‘festive greetings’ off!

Please forgive the begging bowl message. If you enjoy The Frank Report, or any of my other work, please consider making a donation – no matter how small, it will really keep me going. (PS we are in the process of changing our payment provider, but are being stymied by red tape)

Thank you.

Frank Haviland