The Frank Report LIV

Even by House of Commons standards it’s been a mucky week. Thanks to WhatsApp revelations from Isabel Oakeshott, Westminster toilets are at breaking point. As if the usual urine-sodden cocaine orgies weren’t enough, the privies have now been awarded the Sisyphean task of expunging Matt Hand-On-Cock’s political career, as it finally flushes down the shitter. Still, having made a career out of taking the piss, it’s good to see he’s finally giving something back to the nation. Likely on the piss this weekend is senior civil servant Sue Gray, whose Partygate impartiality has mysteriously landed her the job of Keir Starmer’s chief of staff; what were the odds?

It’s curious that Gray’s thirty pieces of silver should spark such controversy, when the leaks confirm what millions of us were castigated for saying three years ago: Covid was a con trick, there was zero justification for lockdown, and those in power had not the slightest intention of obeying the edicts. Who pulls the rope for those caught having their cake and eating it is pretty much by the by as far as I’m concerned.

Deputy PM Dominic Raab meanwhile, has promised to pull the rope on his own political career if the bullying accusations against him are upheld. What do these scurrilous accusations amount to you may ask? Well, not content with presiding over ’a toxic culture’ involving ‘abrasive’ and ‘demeaning’ behaviour, Raab allegedly went as far as ‘throwing tomatoes from a salad across the room in a fit of anger’. It may be this last bit which sinks him, as we now know where the nation’s tomato shortage comes from. As an aside, snowflake civil servants ought to thank their lucky stars my toddler isn’t in-charge - assault with a deadly vegetable would be the least of their problems.

Thankfully they’re made of sterner stuff north of the border, which is just as well - eight years of Nicola Sturgeon would test the mettle of the grittiest, haggis-lined stomach. We discovered this week it was thanks to the old hag that face masks were introduced in English secondary schools, as Boris Johnson had been advised it was simply ‘not worth an argument’ with the old trout. While the former First Minister’s winning smile was a good case for mask mandates in perpetuity, Scotland is left facing the question of who exactly who will replace her.