The Frank Report LVIII

Knife Crime

In a move branded ‘genius’ by City Hall insiders, loveable Londoner, mayor Sadiq Khan, has promised to slash knife crime by issuing his own range of ‘peaceful’ switchblades.

‘Knife crime is caused by discrimination’ Khan confidently told The Guardian this week. ‘It’s unfair that not everyone can afford the latest zombie knife - that is, after all, essentially what knives are - a fashion statement. If everyone’s carrying the same shank, they won’t feel the need to use it’.

The blades are being produced in partnership with the charity BLM (Blacks Lives = Money), and will be endorsed with focus-grouped aphorisms such as ‘Take a stab at studying’ and ‘Peace blud, not pierce blood’. All proceeds from the project have been promised to up-and-coming inner-city drill musicians and drug dealers struggling to build up their client base. Khan has expressed his hopes that the customary red tape be cut, so that the knives can be distributed to all London Schools in the run up to the summer holidays.

In the face of criticism from right-wing extremists, who argue that the knives could cause ‘a surge in violence on our streets’, City Hall mandarins have stressed the utility of the scheme. They point out that in the unlikely event the blades are misused, the technology exists for them to double up as ID cards - making the identification of corpses that much speedier.

Speeding

Archbishop of Cant, Justine Welby, was caught speeding in his souped-up Volkswagen Golf this week, possibly dashing off to open up Lambeth Palace for the 500 illegal immigrants arriving at Dover. The Most Reverend and Right Honourable boy racer was clocked at 127 mph in a 20mph zone. When stopped by police and asked ‘What in the name of the holy father he thought he was doing’, the Archbishop is rumoured to have replied ‘God is non-binary, don’t f*** with they/them’ before driving off.

Prisons

Driving the changes at the Prison Service headquarters are the civil servants, fed up with wardens discriminating against inmates by calling them ‘convicts’ and ‘ex-cons’. To avoid prisoners being triggered, they have insisted that the terms 'persons with lived experience' or 'prison leavers’ are used from now on. In response, prison staff have decided to go the whole hog, and from Monday they will be issuing inmates with the keys to their own cells, and the code to the main gate.

Speaking on the Jeremy Vine show this week, HMP Wakefield Governor, Al Catraz, admitted he shared concerns that prison residents were being unfairly denied the chance to play an active role in society, and that ‘putting them all on day and night release would be a step towards genuine inclusivity’.

Immigration

In response to Justin Welby’s criticism of the Conservative government’s illegal migration bill as ‘morally unacceptable’, Rishi Sunak has promised a more inclusive approach to illegal immigration. In liaison with the people smugglers, the Home Office is going to operate minimum quotas of 25% for ISIS members in small boats, alongside a guarantee that all eligible males identifying as child rapists will be placed within a 500M radius of a white, working-class girls’ school, or granted a refund of their trafficker’s fee.

Reparations

In view of the mounting global case for slavery reparations to non-whites, UK political parties are devoting sections of their subsequent manifestoes to the issue in an attempt to outbid each other. Rishi Sunak’s Conservatives have promised a monthly stipend to all non-white males; Keir Starmer’s Labour has gone one further, with an incremental benefits system dependant on how many diversity boxes you tick, as well as mandatory diversity quotas for white families. Coalition hopeful Ed Davey however, has committed the Lib Dems to an uncompromising Net Zero on the patriarchy - promising to round up and shoot all straight, white men, and allocate their assets on an intersectional basis.

Terribly White

In the wake of Adjoa Andoh’s comments on the ‘terribly white’ Coronation, King Charles III has apologised unreservedly to the country. He has also pledged that from here on in, all Royal Family balcony shots will be accompanied by the nation’s entire reserves of Robertson’s golliwog dolls, the exhumed corpse of George Floyd in pride of place, and a promise that a minimum of 50% of Royal members will be in full blackface.

A pretty Penny

One surprising feature of last week’s Coronation was the discovery that Leader of the House of Commons, Penny Mordaunt, managed to keep King Charles’ sword upright for a staggering 51 minutes, ‘without breaking a sweat’. An appreciative Camilla admitted ‘I usually have to whip out the rohypnol to achieve that sort of effect.’ Although things are going fairly well with her cabinet post, Mordaunt is rumoured to have been approached by a sponsorship deal from Viagra, and a very open invitation to join the Only Fans website.

Trans

Amid reports that Elon Musk has found a new female CEO for Twitter, rumours are that if things don’t work out with Linda Yaccarino, Dylan Mulvaney could find his hourglass figure firmly in the frame. Mulvaney has had his own problems of late however, and is currently agonising over the potential mental health effects of transphobes ‘misgendering him’. Bud Light’s busty brunette has confirmed he is so incensed at being called a man, he is even contemplating having penis reduction surgery to keep the naysayers at bay.

James Bond

And finally, while rumours circulate on Daniel Craig’s replacement for the next James Bond, 5,000:1 outsider Jeremy Corbyn has suddenly become the bookies favourite. When quizzed on this rather unusual choice, franchise producer Barbara Broccoli pooh-poohed suggestions that Corbyn was bereft of the requisite sex appeal, charisma, or charm, stating that his close acquaintance with the majority of the world’s mass murderers and his experience as a communist spy would be a distinct advantage.

Tipped for Bond girl is the buxom temptress, Diane Abbott, who told reporters the 12 months filming on location would be unlikely to affect the quality of her contribution to Westminster debate:

‘I’ve often thought Jeremy would make a cracking spy’ she told The Morning Star earlier this week, ‘He always left me shaken not stirred.’

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, whatever madness they unleash next.

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