The Frank Report LXII

Welcome to another Sunday edition of the Frank Report, where regrettably the laughs are a bit thin on the ground. I suggest a large pot of tea and an inexhaustible supply of Jammy Dodgers; if you’re ready, off we go! This week’s main story was the decision of the nation’s financiers to enact a banking crisis mach II. It must get dull counting all that cash like Fagin, so the banks have pulled a moody. Fifteen years on from the last time they picked our pockets to the tune of a trillion quid, the moneymen (and moneywomen) are at it again. Predictably of course it was ‘errors of judgement’ that brought the house of cards down. This time round, the Coutts at NatWest have decided they no longer like the colour of our green, and are busily engaged in ridding themselves of those with right of centre views - even when we own the bastards.

It was fine of course when they were only doing it to the plebs, but after Dame Alison Rose et al attempted to debank Nigel Farage they ran up against the might of far-right extremism. It’s hardly fair is it? How can you expect a bank CEO to know it’s not OK to discuss customers’ private information with the BBC? True to form, the corporation swiftly wheeled out their favourite face like a smacked arse, Emily Maitlis, who attacked Farage for daring to think he had the God-given right to a bank account:

Farage made it an argument about censorship and liberty and free speech when it wasn’t. No one was shutting him down, no one was stopping him from banking, no one was calling him names.

The Beeb rarely gets it right these days, but full marks to mate-less for managing to be wrong about absolutely everything. Even BBC Verify was unavailable for comment.

The situation was further complicated by Westminster’s finest arse like a smacked face, and one-time most hated woman in Britain (can you imagine the competition?!), Gina Miller, who found herself in similar territory when her party’s bank account was shut down. This placed the left in an invidious position - what were they going to do, admit their hypocrisy or face the ignominy of agreeing with Nigel Farage? Answers on a postcard please.

Speaking of Westminster, the next general election is looking every bit the Hobson’s choice, without the options. In YouGov’s latest poll of who would make the best Prime Minister, Keir Starmer is down three points at 31%, with Rishi Sunak languishing on 23%. Up five points and trouncing them all is late entry, ’Don’t Know’. I confess to knowing little about this guy or what he stands for, but he certainly sounds worth a punt me.

Meanwhile, credit must go to Keir Starmer who has achieved his life’s ambition of being the first political leader to achieve net zero - approval rating amongst the Red Wall, that is. Not to worry though, proudly following in the footsteps of Blair, Rishi Sunak is busy importing a voter base in the form of dinghies along the south coast; unfortunately, it’s one that will only ever vote Labour.

And that’s just as well, seeing as no one else is likely to. Thanks to Sadiq Khan’s victory at the High Court, forcing through the right to expand ULEZ to Greater London (and eventually nationwide), there are precious few Brits likely to endorse Labour at the ballot box. Charging Londoners £12.50 to sit in slow-moving traffic every day is one thing; charging them to sit behind a bunch of middle-class pricks in orange jumpsuits is a step too far. Perhaps Londoners should start their own campaign outside City Hall - ‘Just Sod Off’?

Still, the unpopularity of the ULEZ tax cuts little ice with Labour grandees. Shadow Minister for elocution, Ange Rayner, has confirmed the party’s plans to extend the scheme to carparks and driveways. Sadiq Khan meanwhile is rumoured to be considering an oxygen tax, although City Hall insiders did point out that this would be mitigated by concessions for those fatally stabbed while breathing. Former Labour Minister, and LBC stall wart, David Lammy, came under fire this week for his lack of sympathy to a caller who stated 'I've had my wife in tears on the phone, this has done us. This is the final nail in the coffin.’ To which Lammy shrugged, ‘For Christ’s sake, why don’t you just put it on expenses like everyone else?!’ 

The voters may be getting a little hot under the collar, but that’s nothing compared to the climate. Having called time on the sexed-up WuFlu, the armaggedonists are busy screeching that July is ‘virtually certain’ to be the world’s warmest month on record (as I write, it’s currently 15 degrees in London and pissing down with rain). Still, the heat does funny things to people. Greta Thunberg  had a bit of a turn this week, and was hauled away by Swedish police for her part in climate protests - with rumours that she could even face jail. Nothing is more likely to reduce rates of recidivism that the fear of sharing a cell with Sweden’s worst export since IKEA, and successive EU ministries have already offered vast sums to extradite Greta in the hope of cleaning up their own prison populations.

And when you see the clamour for prison places, it’s no wonder. There was outrage this week as Andrew Malkinson, 57, was revealed to have spent 17 years wrongly imprisoned at his Majesty’s pleasure. With prison real estate at a premium, the government are keen to get back some of the lost revenue by charging Mr Malkinson for ‘board and lodgings’. Perhaps Mr Malkinson could look into the possibility of subletting his cell?

Most likely to take him up on the offer is Britain’s favourite children’s entertainer Andy Pandy, better known by his stage name Anjem Choudary. Yes, Choudary was so keen to get back inside that he has gone back to jihad. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks—but who cares, when the dog is perfectly happy with the old ones? Of course, Choudary didn’t do anything as serious as Malkinson, not committing rape, but he did manage to join, lecture and direct a terrorist organisation, so hopefully the authorities will consider him for a bit of porridge.

In other news, disaster has hit the shores of Italy. Not only has premier pinup Meloni reneged on her election pledge and made the volte-face admission that Italy ‘needs immigration’, but Italian beauty pageants have also banned men from entry. What are all those recently-arrived African beauty queens going to do with their cocks if they can’t pretend to be women? Something tells me someone’s having their plonker pulled.

On the upside, Keir Starmer has finally located his plonker and realised its significance, as he admitted this week ‘a woman is an adult female’. Coming clean on self-identification is a big step for the Labour leader, although a party spokesman did confirm that Keir was still more than happy for children, foreigners, and the dead to self-identify as Labour voters.

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, and remember you can always fight fire with fire. If you’re hit by the ULEZ charge, try offsetting it by charging the government £12.50 for every illegal they allow in that week; invoice Sadiq Khan £12.50 for every stab victim he fails to protect, and interrupt Just Stop Oil members when they’re on the bog. After all, two can play that game!

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