The Frank Report LXIII

Welcome to this week’s Frank Report, where in a break from tradition the UK constabularies have actually decided to do their jobs. After a damning report found the Old Bill are solving the lowest proportion of crimes ever (less than six percent), the MET Police are wheeling out stop and search, targeting areas ‘with very high risks of people getting stabbed or killed’. Unfortunately, the Casey Review highlights a conflict of interest for black Londoners: while 77 percent support stop and search for weapons, two-thirds of knife crime in London is also committed by blacks.

This leaves Met Chief, Sir Mark Rowley, in the invidious position of having to balance the safety of BAME citizens with the career choices of the yoof. ‘In the end, it’s a no-brainer’ said Rowley, ‘our officers are instructed only to stop and search those they are certain are not carrying; that way we can keep the public meaninglessly reassured while avoiding accusations of racism.’ When asked what he’d say to the majority of blacks who simply want knives taken off the street, Rowley responded: ‘There are some people you just can’t educate out of their racism - but with blacks four times more likely to be murdered, at least some of those with discriminatory views will be taken out of the equation without costing police man-hours.’

Mayor Sadiq Khan takes a slightly different approach to Rowley on the issue of stop and search. ‘You can’t stop kids enjoying a bit of rough and tumble fun’ says Khan when asked about the problem of knife crime, ‘but it’s the oxygen that concerns me. There are children in hospitals across our city fighting for their next breath. Making the decision to expand the ULEZ wasn’t easy, but I believe we must do everything we can to save the lives of Londoners and protect them from the dangers of toxic air.’ City Hall insiders have confirmed that if the deaths don’t start coming down, Khan has promised to ration the air supply to protect Londoners from the climate.

As if he didn’t have enough on his plate, Khan is now being forced to protect Londoners from the dangers of over-exposure to whiteness. Only this week, trendy Notting Hill chef Thomas Straker was forced to apologise for shameless white privilege after he was photographed alongside his seven male kitchen hands on social media. ‘I know honkies aren’t everyone’s cup of tea’ admitted Straker, ‘but honestly, they’re called ‘white goods’ for a reason FFS!’. The restauranteur was slammed for his lack of diversity by the Ghanaian Women’s Football Team, the Bangladeshi Basket-weavers Association, and North Korean Liberal Democrat Society.

Thank Christ for the rising tide of diversity warriors, who take the eradication of whiteness seriously. ‘Stormzy’, who famously swapped a generate life of crime for the criminal degeneracy of ‘music’, is injecting diversity into stuffy institutions like Cambridge University. Alongside HSBC, Stormzy (or Michael Ebenezer Kwadjo Omari Owuo Jr. as I prefer to think of him), is funding 36 black Cambridge students to the tune of £20,000 per annum, provided they make the effort to self-identify as drug-dealers, muggers and ‘hood rats’. ‘Cambridge is all very well in its place’ said Stormzy, ‘but they’re not doing nearly enough to encourage black culture. Of course we’ve got to de-racialise the institutions, but we’ve also got to keep our traditions and heritage alive without being whitewashed by these crackers’.

In other news, a menswear influencer has warned Prime Minister Rishi Sunak that his ultra short trouser length could wind up costing him votes. Balking at the idea that he is all mouth and no trousers, a spokesman for the PM confirmed that in a nod to the LGBTQwerty community Sunak has is in fact been wearing hot pants ever since he took over at Number 10; it’s just he’s such a short-arse, no one has even noticed.

Costa Coffee is facing an unreasonable backlash and potential boycott, after it was claimed to be promoting mastectomies. ‘What’s the big deal?’ asked Costa CEO, Philippe Schaillee, furiously responding to criticism that his chain was glorifying female mutilation. ‘Some brands offer you a free muffin with your tenth loyalty stamp; we’re just going the extra mile, and offering women the choice of getting their muff or their knockers upgraded while they wait - what could be more progressive than that?’

And finally, it is with deep regret that we can reveal Canadian Prime Minister Justine Trudeau and her wife Sophie are divorcing after 18 years together. Keen to scotch the rumours circulating on social media, Sophie confirmed her reasons to the Frank Report: ‘In the end, it wasn’t the gayness, the woke bullshit or even the blacking up at funerals; it’s just the three hours he spent rehearsing ‘LGBTQIA+’ every night before bed - there’s a limit to how much a girl can endure.’

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, whatever you get free with your next Costa coffee.

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