The Frank Report LXIV

The Frank Report has regrettably been relegated to the subs bench of late, struck down by a hernia the size of Justin Trudeau’s ego. Still, we couldn’t pass up the opportunity for a brief foray into party conference season, if only to escape the clutches of nurse. This week, it was the turn of the conked out Conservatives to strut their stiffs. During the closing speech, Rishi Sunak took to the stage with all energy of a man attending his own autopsy, without the compensatory nudity.

High up on the agenda were the record annual immigration figures, which have breached one million for the first time. Sunak naturally expressed his disappointment, promising to get it higher - but he may not get the chance. A buoyant Keir Starmer, fresh from his Rutherglen and Hamilton West by-election win, is expected to pledge 1% of GDP to subsidise the people of colour smugglers at this week’s Labour Party Conference in Liverpool.

The Liberal Democrats (God bless ‘em), have already made it a manifesto commitment to shoot on sight any honkies failing to sport their patented ‘I’d swap my gran for an illegal any time’ T-shirt; a keynote of this year’s conference, which was rumoured to be held in a phone box somewhere in Knightsbridge. And then of course there’s the dear old Archbasher of Wankery, Justine Well-Woke, who has demanded the nation state be abolished, with all 8 billion of the world’s population relocated to the multicultural haven of Brixton (save for himself and a couple of dozen concubines, who will be slumming it at Lambeth Palace).  

There are lead balloons, and then there are party conferences with a government on its last legs. Even with the Priti Patel Nigel Farage love-in at full swing, Tory poll ratings are sinking faster than Kamala Harris at a Democrat blowjob convention. But perhaps Sunak had something up his Gucci sleeve after all, as he suddenly turned his attention to smoking:

I propose that in future we raise the smoking age by one year, every year. That means a 14-year-old today will never be legally sold a cigarette and that they - and their generation - can grow up smoke-free.

Eh?! Which 3am focus group from hell drafted that one on the back of a Jacinda Ardern fag packet? What are we going to have come 2075: septuagenarian pensioners hanging around in hoodies outside the local off-licence, soliciting octogenarians to “buy us some fags, mate?”. Why didn’t anyone else think of raising the age of unpleasant social habits in order to eradicate them? Why don’t we raise the age of class-A drugs, or stabbing while we’re at it? 

It’s not just the Tories obsessed with the nanny statism however, the Labour Party have unveiled a £111million plan to introduce ‘supervised toothbrushing’ in schools. If the policy turns out to be a successful waste of taxpayer funds, they intend to follow it up with legalised vote fraud in Tower Hamlets, sponsored gang rape in Rotherham, and pay-per-stab knife crime in Croydon - well, you can’t trust the public to get these things right, can you?

“Britain is the best country to be black in” Business Secretary Kemi Badenoch confidently informed the Conservative Party Conference on Tuesday, but I’m not sure she’s quite right about that. There might be a few black teenage citizens of Sadiq Khan’s thiefdom who would beg to differ - particularly since they didn’t even get the advertising revenue from their deaths, which will presumably be a live-streaming business model on YouTube come the next Labour administration.

London’s middle-class suicidals, who’ve always tended to favour the hara-kiri of the theatre to Sadiq Khan’s ad-libbed free-for-alls, were looking forward to a night of angst at a performance of Les Misérables in London’s West End, only to have it disrupted by the miserable bastards of Just Stop Oil. When asked by the respectable theatregoing audience why they didn’t “just fuck off and disrupt the Tory Party Conference?” the double-barrelled activists replied “simply too much grease about, darling”. Praise must go to the performers for resisting the temptation to get into character for next month’s adaptation of Titus Andronicus, alongside the Spiked columnist Simon Evans, who unleashed the immortal line “Some cunt’s glued himself to the stage”

In other news, a motorist has been fined after a dog was seen behind wheel of car – although, both Ange Rayner and Diane Abbott claim to have cast-iron alibis. According to a senior military chief, Britain has run out of military equipment to give to Ukraine and other countries should step in to shoulder the burden. Running low on nations to ask for help, Zelensky is rumoured to have approached Vladimir Putin with the begging bowl.

The Princess of Wales has sent a message of support to Ukraine along with a parcel filled with food, clothes and toiletries, which should keep the Uranian soldiers going at least until Christmas. The duchess of Sussex meanwhile, sent a hamper of fake tan, BLM T-shirts, and a few thousand selfies - which, if nothing else, should make the toilet facilities considerably more comfortable.

Uproar was caused after several NHS trusts made the unprecedented move of offering a year off to men suffering from the ‘male menopause’. Transwomen campaigners are said to be “apoplectic” at the injustice, and “seriously considering gluing the fucking thing back on again!” Unfortunately, there was more bad news for the beleaguered NHS as two Blackpool nurses were found guilty of unlawfully drugging patients; allegedly for their own amusement and an easy life. TNC, which has a direct hotline to the Letby prison cell, contacted ‘I love Lucy’ for comment, and received the one-word reply “lightweights”.  

Scotland's crisis-hit NHS meanwhile, is to begin a "programme of reparations" to Jamaica and Africa – paid for out of existing healthcare budgets – in a bid to "make amends" for slavery links dating from the 18th century. Scotch NHS chiefs have even offered to donate Sturgeon and Yousaf personally, to which the our former colonies replied “we ain’t that fucking desperate!” 

In his autobiography Spare Prick, (ghostwritten by Megs, of course), Prince Harry has revealed King Charles once issued a desperate nine-word plea to both him and Prince William at the height of their quarrels. Palace insiders have confirmed to TNC that this was indeed ‘“Jesus Christ, can’t you two shut the fuck up?” 

Hitting back at accusations of ‘joke degrees’ which fail to equip graduates for the workforce, the University of Exeter is going to offer a ‘degree in magic’ in 2024. The exact syllabus is unclear at this stage, but the Chancellor has confirmed fees will be waived for any newly-qualified witches or warlocks who can make Russell Howard funny, or force Laurence Fox to shag Ava Evans.

BBC Question Time has deleted a clip of Fiona Bruce referring to an audience member as ‘the black guy in the middle’, which was later considered to cause offence. In future, the BBC have confirmed its audiences will be comprised solely of people of colour, to avoid the problem of white supremacy.

The Labour Party are keen to celebrate Black History Month, with party luminaries all tweeting their support. Jeremy Corbyn has suggested a medley of Stormzy’s greatest hits, which should run to less than a minute; followed by a spot of looting at Primark, and polished off with a stabbathon in Hyde Park, to raise funds for the Mayor’s re-election in 2024.  

Home Office figures reveal there are just 651 prison places available in the UK, although there are coincidentally only 650 MPs - which leaves a space open for Lucy Letby to ‘take care’ of them. Do you ever get the feeling God’s trying to us something?

Away from home, a desperate Giorgia Meloni has been forced to turn to Rishi Sunak to help fight the EU on illegal immigration – which is a bit like hiring Harold Shipman to keep the excess mortality rate down a bit.

And finally, Kevin Keegan has ‘extraordinarily’ claimed he doesn’t like listening to female pundits. Despite facing widespread criticism from liberal luvvies, Keegan has confirmed a fringe faction (100% of male football supporters, football players, and the pundits’ husbands themselves) have contacted him off the record, and admitted that they “silently agreed with him”.  

That was Frank’s week. Have a great weekend, and remember a Sunday breakfast triple Jack Daniels solves most problems for the next 24-hours!

Frank Haviland is the editor of The New Conservative, a regular columnist for various UK publications, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

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