The Frank Report LXX

The big story this week was the implosion at Tory HQ, as Rishi Sunak searched for a means to simultaneously sack Suella Braverman for flagrant conservatism, and continue passing the Tories off as ‘right-wing’. Both wings of the party (centrist and far-left) put their (dick)heads together, and mysteriously came up with the answer ‘David Cameron’. Top tip: if you think ‘call me Lord Dave’ is a unifying force in any arena other the annual Old Etonian Sow Shaggers’ Convention, you may need psychiatric treatment. Worse still for Prime Minister Sunak, Braverman has been proved right on every blood-written assertion in her resignation letter, including the Supreme Court’s red card for Rwanda – which leaves Rishi’s leadership bearing a remarkable resemblance to Lord Prescott’s bog after a curry.

Unctuous Cabinet double-reshuffle notwithstanding, it is now merely a matter of time before the smorgasbord of shite masquerading as a Tory front-bench will have to face the vitriol of the electorate (and here at The Frank Report, we are expecting that to be sooner rather than later). The Conservatives are down to under 20% in some opinion polls; there are rumours that up to 50 Tory MPs could be drafting letters of no confidence, and Suella Braverman is threatening to release “damning evidence” about Rishi - presumably that he still gets ID’d in the House of Commons bars?  

Giving them a good run for their money in the interim however are the Labour Party, who clearly aren’t content with merely looking unelectable. Yes, Starmer’s dipshits plan to take advantage of the Tory lurch to the left by the ludicrous assertion that Labour would be a safe pair of hands on the small boats’ tiller. By all means, you can make the case that Labour would be marginally less ineffectual that the Tories on immigration - but only in the sense that AIDS is preferable to cancer, because you’re guaranteed a legover in the process.  

Like the Tories, Labour are also becoming dangerously dismissive of their core vote. Say what you want about Jeremy Corbyn, but at least he had the Hamas support in the bag; Starmer can’t even get that right. This week Captain Hindsight tried to unite the genocide-lovers and the more moderate Jew-haters in his party, by taking every political position known to man. He’d sack those voting for a ceasefire he promised, while demanding ‘humanitarian pauses’ - provided they ultimately result in a ‘cessation’ to the fighting in Gaza. Still, it wasn’t enough. Ten frontbenchers resigned on principle, including Jess Phillips - whose resignation missive was a thing of beauty: “Israel and Palestine really need to end this shit” she argued with her customary elegance, “cos I’ve had a fucking tough week, and all those babies blown to buggery are seriously derailing the misandry campaign”. 

Amen sister.

Neither Labour nor the Tories could top the Metropolitan Police however, who hold onto the ‘Arsehole of the Week’ award for the third Sunday in succession (one more and Rowley gets to keep the cup). “It’s deeply disrespectful to climb on a war memorial, but there’s no law making it illegal” tweeted an anonymous Scotland Yard sissy, in response to the jihadists scaling our war monuments unmolested. When it was pointed out to the Old Bill that they could simply ‘pretend’ the Hamas supporters were far-right honkies, chucking glottal stops instead of fireworks all over the gaff and arrest them accordingly, the Met doubled down: “In the absence of a law officers cannot automatically arrest, but they can intervene & make it clear the behaviour isn't acceptable.” 

For Christ’s sake, even Germany has criminalised the genocidal chant “From the river to the sea”, and let’s face it – when it comes to Jew-bashing, the Krauts can be relied upon to know whereof they speak. Still, my heart can’t help going out to all those peaceful jihadis who simply want to see the inside of a prison cell – what have they got to do to get their collars felt? Could always ‘white-up’ I suppose. On the upside, any native criminals struggling to make ends meet with the cost of living crisis, should note the diplomatic immunity provided by the Palestinian flag and act accordingly.  

In other news, in light of his car-crash Piers Morgan interview where he failed 17 times to answer the question “Are Hamas a terror group?”, Hamas have confirmed they would like to distance themselves from Jeremy Corbyn. Keen to distance himself from the UK, Humza Yousaf is considering another SNP push for independence by declaring his intention to rejoin the European Union. MacHamas is clearly onto something here - nothing says independence like signing yourself up to EU diktats in perpetuity.

Whitehall mandarins have been told to stop beings ‘twats’ (which apparently means people who only come into the office on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, not just ‘civil servants’). Initially the government pen-pushers rejected plans to spend a minimum 60% of their working hours in the office rather than at home, until Jacob Rees Mogg pointed out to them that it’s much easier to sabotage the Home Office when you’re actually in situ.

Meghan Markle has announced that she and Prince Harry are preparing for a major announcement; Royal insiders have suggested to The Frank Report this is likely to be confirmation that Prince Harry is pregnant with the couple’s third child. A 41-gun salute coincidentally took place in London’s Green Park this week, to mark King Charles’ 75th birthday. Apparently a bullet ricocheted dangerously during the ceremony, but regrettably failed to reach Montecito.

In Europe this week, a lion was found wandering the streets of an Italian town after escaping from its circus, although Suella Braverman has denied reports she offered Giorgia Meloni one million Euros to replace the Metropolitan Police with it. And there was anger at Westminster, as it was revealed millions of pounds of taxpayer cash sent to France to deal with the migrant crossings was being spent on microwaves and phone chargers. Clearly the French ain’t what they used to be - once upon a time they’d have blown it all on baguettes, Beaujolais and Bardot lookalikes; in which case, one could more than understand. 

Back at home, Transgender Awareness Week has kicked off - the crescendo of which is Transgender Day of Remembrance. Personally, I can’t wait for the Tower Hamlets parade coinciding with the latest Hamas march, which should mean ‘remembrance’ is about the only thing left to do. Tony Blair has been touted by Israel (who clearly hate him even more than the Brits do), as the next Middle East peacekeeper. Praying that this is actually the case, a crowdfund set up for Tony’s one-way ticket has so far raised in excess of £1 Billion. But fair’s fair, it’s only been live for 24 hours.

Across the pond, President Biden and China’s Xi Jinping met for first time in a year - but luckily for Biden, his Altzeimers will ensure this was a novel experience. And finally, GQ magazine’s ‘Man Of The Year’ list has sparked ‘outrage’, as over half of the nominees are female. I suppose GQ couldn’t find many male celebrities not wearing a dress these days, and decided to fight fire with fire - although Owen Jones was rumoured to being ‘a bit miffed’ he’s still not eligible to participate.

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, and if you make it out for a pub lunch today - mine’s a triple Jack Daniels.

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

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