The Frank Report LXXII

Whatever the populists might tell you, the big hoo-ha at Westminster this week wasn’t the millions of illegals flooding the country, the state-sponsored Jew-bashing on the streets of London, or the national debt approaching such gargantuan proportions that even David Lammy has refused to put it on expenses - no, it’s the refusal of Britain to return the Elgin Marbles. Well might Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis seethe at the last-minute cancelled meeting in Downing Street, but seeing as Rishi’s already lost most of his own marbles in Number 10, you can’t expect him to keep track of the Greek ones.

It’s not just marbles going astray either. The Home Office has confirmed it doesn’t know the location of over 17,000 ‘asylum seekers’ whose asylum applications were withdrawn (although Home Office staff are considering a visit to Gary Lineker’s house). To put that into context, Britain accepts double the European Union average and three times the percentage of asylum applications as France - which means that those rejected were likely en route to the latest antisemitism march in London, and must have forgotten to remove their Palestinian keffiyehs and ‘I love ISIS’ badges.

Keen to distance himself from uncomfortable domestic issues, Sunak took a private jet to Dubai to announce a $2 Billion Christmas bonus for the 'Green Climate Fund to tackle climate change’. Much like Johnson before him, who enjoyed electoral solace between the legs of Zelensky at a mere Billion quid a pop, Sunak has discovered it’s far easier to achieve popularity at climate summits abroad, where his council is much sought-after by those mistaking him for a waiter.

With the next general election fast approaching, the political jockeying back home has well and truly begun. Following continued speculation about a possible Nigel Farage take-over of the Conservative Party, Tory MP and arch-rejoiner Tobias Ellwood has confirmed he would quit the party should Farage join it - although, it’s hard to see exactly what his threat is. Rishi meanwhile is choosing to flog the old “A vote for Farage’s lot would put Starmer in Number 10” trope: ‘Farage’s lot’ are genuine conservatives, so you can see why Sunak holds them in such disdain. And there was a rare victory for Keir Starmer, who finally managed to land a punch at PMQ’s (albeit a heavily-rehearsed one). The Labour leader mugged off Sunak with allusions to his reverse Midas Touch - “everything he touches turns to…” (although of course the original line stolen from The Frank Report, “the poor man’s King Midas” was a touch better).

Across the Channel, everything’s not quite going swimmingly for the Brexit-denialists in Brussels. The European Union was roundly humiliated this week, after plans to steal half the City of London jobs post Brexit failed to come to fruition. Not only that, but £800 Billion in hedge fund cash is said to have returned to the Square Mile since 2016 - which leaves London the pre-eminent destination for financial services such as money-laundering, well ahead of “Mickey Mouse” Paris and Amsterdam.

Things are getting so desperate on the continent, that European leaders are actually considering doing something about illegal migration. European People’s Party President, Manfred Weber, has warned about the dangers of a ‘far-right’ surge: "If we do not find the solution or proper common understanding how to manage migration, then I’m very worried about the next European elections". Put another way, the two-decade experiment of random stabbings and suicide bombings was fine as long as only the plebs paid the price; but now the bastards aren’t voting the right way, we need to get our fingers out. Despicable.

True to form, Paris has just witnessed the latest ‘far-right’ attack à côté de the Eiffel Tower. The habitually nondescript ‘man’ was said to scream “Allahu Akbar”, before fatally stabbing one and injuring several people. Although the media have suggested this was the usual “radical Islamist with mental health troubles”, The Frank Report can confirm it was in fact Jean-Claude Juncker, after an injudicious waiter asked him to settle his bar tab.

In other news, the race grift is getting harder as white-haters run out of road. This week’s bigoted buffoon was television presenter Nihal Arthanayake, who complained about intolerable conditions at the BBC where he is occasionally forced to encounter honkies. None of his colleagues were in any way ‘racist’, except for their flagrant whiteness - which has left Arthanayake traumatised. Nihal old son, there’s an obvious answer to toxic whiteness - bugger off back to Sri Lanka, or better still to Tower Hamlets - where you’re unlikely to encounter any.

North Korean state media reported this week that its newly-launched military reconnaissance satellite has captured images of the White House. Asked what it could reveal, staff explained they couldn’t see anything thanks to Hunter’s cocaine - which is now being proclaimed as an ingenious Biden foreign policy success. Taking their cue from Sleepy Joe’s unusual methods, American schools are rumoured to be installing litter boxes in bathrooms, to accommodate children who “identify as animals”. That’s not so surprising however, upon the return of David Cameron the House of Lords has undergone much the same transformation, installing pig troughs in the bogs to accommodate all the Cameron groupies.

There were reports this week that one in five men in Wales don’t wash their hands after using the toilet, and that the other four don’t wash them after using sheep. Prehistoric women were probably better at hunting than prehistoric men, according to scientists - although seeing as men are now effectively banned from STEM fields, one might want to treat that claim with an ounce of skepticism.

Cunt of the week was the talking hernia, Owen Jones, for whom Hamas never quite goes far enough. Yes those Jewish women, burned, brutalised and butchered weren’t getting raped, but had obviously just had a few sherries too many at the latest Club 18-30 trip to Gaza. Seeing as Jonesy-boy, Disney’s answer to masculinity likes evidence, the best we can hope is that he will take his tired ‘queers for Palestine’ routine over to the West Bank, and let us know if it takes off.

On a sadder note, it is with regret we announce the passing of former Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling; may he rest in peace. If anyone is interested, the Labour Party has confirmed his eyebrows are being donated to the Groucho Marx Museum.

And finally, North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un has been humiliated after his Workers’ Party recorded its worst electoral result since its 1949 inception, receiving little more than 99% of the vote. Speaking off the record to The Frank Report, Lil’ Kim admitted “If this continues, we’ll have to take drastic steps and become a one-party state like Britain.”

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, and remember there isn’t much that a wholesome Sunday roast can’t cure.

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

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