The Frank Report LXXIV

We don’t usually go in for sympathy at The Frank Report, but having had the wisdom tooth from Hell extracted this Thursday, alongside doctor’s orders to lay off the sauce, I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself. Few of us can afford a dip in intelligence, but it’s safe to say I’m now well into negative equity. Besides which, deprived of my longterm creative assistant Mr Jack Daniels, this week’s report may prove somewhat short on bite. Excuses duly made, let’s get to it.

The big hoo-ha at Westminster this week was whether Rishi would lose the Rwanda vote and have his after dinner mints handed to him from the 1922 Committee, or would he continue to enjoy them after eight like the rest of us. In the end, the rebels did a bottle job and left him (temporarily) in situ. Ironically for Sunak, it may be his extreme unpopularity which saved him. True, he’s languishing at -49 percent approval ratings (that’s Boris Johnson territory shortly before he was shown the door), but while dead on his feet, he’s the perfect fall guy. Any possible replacement would have to assume  responsibility for the Downing Street shitshow - about as appealing as following Tony Blair into the bogs, and finding an unflushable Alastair Campbell staring back at you.

It must have been nice for Rishi to take a break from domestic issues and enjoy a relatively civil grilling at the Covid inquiry this week, where all he had to do was lie rather than come up with any actual policies. His face visibly perked up at one point, when it was revealed that the government’s chief scientific adviser had referred to the then Chancellor as “Dr Death"; this at least suggests a degree of competence, unlike the current moniker of “Dr Shit”. Now firmly in ‘shit or bust’ territory, Sunak is certainly losing his: last week it was only his marbles, this week it was his WhatsApp messages from the pandemic. Regrettably, “I backed them up on Hilary Clinton’s laptop” isn’t quite the panacea it might once have been.

Meanwhile, the ‘Quest for the Sunak Successor’ (undoubtedly the next Netflix smash hit, could anyone be bothered to write it) is picking up pace. In fact, you’d probably save yourself time if you narrowed the list down to those who aren’t being put forward as a possible replacement for the PM. Kemi Badenoch is the clear frontrunner, although some Tory pinkos have expressed concerns that while black and almost certainly female sans cock, Kemi isn’t nearly gay, disabled and Muslim enough for the focus groups.

The rumour mill meanwhile is in full swing at the prospect of the ‘dream ticket’ of Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson, which some believe could genuinely unite the party. Seeing as the Tories have gone through leaders this year like most of us go through socks, Boris may well believe it’s about time for his turn again. As for Farage, he has all but confirmed he could join the Tories under a different leader. Here at The Frank Report we’re not so sure however. A party there’d surely be with those two at the helm, and with Bojo and big Nige that’s the booze, the birds and the brioche more than taken care of - but it’s unclear how much actual policy would be getting discussed between orgies.

Then of course, there’s sheer disaster Keir Starmer, whose newfangled love for Maggie Fatcha surely guarantees him as much chance of leading the Tories as anyone else? Smarmer was quoted this week as saying “While the Tories look inward, Labour is focused on the pound in your pocket” - damn right he is, and exactly how much of it he can tax. Never one to kiss arse (unless everyone else has told him which cheek they’ve puckered up for first), Westminster’s favourite son of a toolmaker spent much of this week paying homage to “Titan of Welsh politics”, lame duck First Minister of Wales Mark Drakeford.

Drakeford’s resignation not only leaves the RNIB casting around for a similarly deserving recipient of their ‘Senedd Sex on a Stick’ award, it also leaves a gaping chasm in Welsh politics. In fact, Labour’s chances of finding someone equally draconian and incompetent are remarkably slim according to the Parliamentary Labour Party. The PLP was quick to consult their substitute bench at the PLO, but talent scout Mahmoud Abbas confirmed all their best statesmen were otherwise engaged at the latest peaceful march for genocide in London, and that they simply couldn’t parachute anyone in. The SNP weren’t much help either, having already elected their remaining village idiot as First Minister.

In other news, Mohammad ‘holds on’ as Britain’s most popular boys’ baby name of 2023 - an accolade it was in as much danger of losing as Owen Jones’ coveted ‘World’s Wokest Wanker’ title. Personally, I can’t wait for ‘Mohammad’ to become the most popular girls’ name too, as soon as the Muslim trans population gets off the ground (once it concludes the burka is a preferable alternative to the customary defenestration awaiting those suspected of being a thawb-lifter).

Speaking of ill-disguised gays, Barrack and Michael Obama were lambasted this week for their role in the production of the Netflix film ‘Leave the World Behind’, which involves a scene where the characters warn of the danger posed by white people. A spokestransperson for the O’Bummers confirmed to The Frank Report that the couple had in fact had little input in the film, as it wasn’t nearly anti-white enough.

There was a rare outbreak of common sense in the legal profession, as James Bulger killer Jon Venables’ had his bid for freedom denied this week. The Parole Board confirmed that while they would usually have acquiesced, the native birthrate is now so low that the country simply cannot afford any more slaughtered infants - unless we’re at least getting Muslim votes to show for it. There’s bad news on that score unfortunately, as the government is reportedly considering limiting social media access to those under the age of 16. This leaves the latest dinghy arrivals to Britain scratching their heads trying to get a date for the weekend. Speaking off the record to The Frank Report, 40-year-old schoolboys Abdul and Achmed confirmed they are now in the invidious position of having to approach women above the age of consent.

Labour bigwig Diane Abbott has been slapped with a trigger warning by schools in England, to protect pupils from her ‘offensive’ views. Diane didn’t seem to mind however, as she explained “It’s hardly surprising; it’s not so long ago I was getting slapped about by Jeremy - he always got triggered eventually, especially when I brought out the Hamas lingerie”.

It’s been a rollercoaster week for Royal eunuch Prince Harry, who lost his libel bid against the Mail on Sunday after his lawyers claimed the newspaper story was “an attack on his honesty and integrity”, and would undermine his charity work and efforts to tackle misinformation online. You’ve got to love lawyers haven’t you? The testicly-challenged Duke bounced back 1-1 however, after it was confirmed he was a victim of hacking by the Mirror Group.

Forced beneath the spotlight, former Mirror editor Piers Morgan stressed that there is “no evidence” to suggest he ever hacked a phone, or told anyone else to do so - just the videos of him explaining how to do it, the hacked recordings he listened to, and the testimony of witnesses who claim he knew all about it. Incidentally, there’s also remarkably scant ‘evidence’ that I ever jerked off to Pamela Anderson during Baywatch, but I’m not sure it would stand up in court. Piers Morgan and Prince Harry, two utter wankers - what a shame there can only be one loser.

It’s also been a bumpy ride this week for London mayor Sadiq Khan, who left Kiev mayor (and former world heavyweight boxing champion) Vitali Klitschko “gobsmacked” by his decision to veto the transfer of vehicles destined for scrapping under the ULEZ scam to the Ukraine frontline. Speaking off the record to The Frank Report, Vitali expressed his desire to smack Khan in the gob - and that’s something I think every sensible Londoner could get behind.

Speaking of transport holdups, an anxious Khan expressed his concerns over this week’s four-hour halt to the Elizabeth Line. “It might seem like a temporary blip in an otherwise efficient city” Khan said, “but how many stabbings and rapes were postponed or even cancelled because of this? London’s finest criminals rely on public transport to get around, otherwise how are we going to continue to attract the world’s worst to our shores?” You’ve got to admit, he’s got a point.

And finally, With the festive season just around the corner we were reminded of the importance of family by TNC’s number one correspondent Roger Watson, in his Christmas address to the nation: “Christmas is a time for families, apparently. But don’t despair, there are some enjoyable aspects to it too.

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, and remember when you knock back the first G&T of the day, there’s always some poor sod who can’t!

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

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