The Frank Report LXXIX

I am most grateful to all the fans of The Frank Report, who have written in to demand its reinstatement. Please understand that while I do my best, I am beset from all sides by unruly children, distempered dogs, disobliging fishwives - and that’s just the newly-assembled Starmer Cabinet! That said, we’re all here now and it’s been a busy week - so if you’ve brought the Jammie Dodgers and uncorked the Scotch, I shall begin.

As the second half of the calendar kicks off in Britain, two major events blot the landscape. One is the lamented end to Pride month - the sacrosanct window wherein gay sexuality is given an ounce of airtime. From here on in, anyone who wants to wank off in front of two-year-olds in public will face the ignominy of having to do so without state sponsorship or fanfare. The other is the general election - a quinquennial festival of hard-ons and stiffs, where those with the intellect of two-year-olds prance around au naturel in front of the electorate, upon whom it falls to decide who the biggest wanker is.

As ever, objective reporting was conspicuous by its absence. Stacked audiences, undercover operations, and a refusal not only to exclude Reform UK from the debates, but also the results themselves are now par for the course.

Particularly piquant from the MSM were the following takes:

BBC: ‘Labour gained over 200 seats, but their vote share ‘increased’ by less than two percentage points to 34%.’

Daily Mail (On David Lammy’s appointment as Foreign Secretary) He ‘called Donald Trump a 'woman-hating, neo-Nazi-sympathising sociopath’, which could strain future US relations.’

And the ever-impartial Andrew Marr: “For the first time in many of our lives, actually Britain looks like a little haven of peace and stability”

Indeed Andrew, particularly when your Primrose Hill existence is so myopic, you blame your ‘white middle-class neighbours’ for London’s gang crime epidemic.

As for the result itself, Labour can gloat all they want but they effectively won nothing. It’s just that in a two-party system where one side is rightly getting a kicking for 14 years of connivance, it’s hard to make the case that the other side are even worse. To put things into context, Starmer won fewer votes than Corbyn, on the back of the second lowest turnout since 1885. If you were a Remain voter, you might point out that Labour’s support was just 34% of the 60% who voted - i.e. a mandate of 20%. And yet with the Tories conservative in name only, this doesn’t translate to as much of a policy shift as one might think: a bit like replacing Chairman Mao with Fidel Castro, because you prefer the latter’s beard.

To say that the electorate is not enamoured of Sir Keir Starmer would be an understatement. Only 32% of voters believe he will provide a safe pair of hands at the tiller; 48% simply wanted the Tories out (as opposed to the whopping 5% who actually ‘believe’ in Labour policies), and 60% of Labour voters admitted they are only lending ‘Dear Leader’ their vote. And for all that Labour’s seat tally is an impressive 412, Starmer polled an uninspiring 18,884 in Holborn and St Pancras, down from 36,641 in 2019 - hardly a ringing endorsement.

As for the Tories, every former Conservative Prime Minister’s seat was lost - except for Sunak, whom the electorate clearly thought they could punish more by keeping him in situ. This is clearly at odds with the ‘far-right’ populism currently sweeping across Europe – you remember those guys,  Giorgia Meloni, Viktor Orban, Geert Wilders, Marine Le Pen etc, the barbarians who want border controls, less state interference in their lives, and slightly less migrants interfering in their daughters’ underwear. But in Britain, the best the ‘far-right’ can muster are fascist 12-year-old boys daring to claim there are ‘only two genders’ - Christ, report those extremists to Prevent before it’s too late. That and a ‘Conservative’ Party, whose interpretation of ‘far-right’ has been little more than ‘Corbynism without the wreaths’.

The Blairite takeover of UK politics is now complete, and the chickens of socialist hegemony are coming home to roost: voter apathy, politicians who say nothing and achieve less, Tories who scratch their heads pretending not to understand why they lost, and the Muslim vote now firmly flexing its muscles.

There were some campaign highlights however. Having played the buffoon all month with his C-grade Mr Bean impression, Ed Davey finally attempted to extricate himself from the Lib Dem leadership by topping himself, only to catch his leg in a rope and have the party write it off as a bungee jump. He was nonetheless rewarded for his non-campaign to the tune of 72 seats. Then there was Nigel Farage, who not only singlehandedly doubled the turnover of every boozer within a 10-mile radius of Clacton, but handled the milkshakes, the building rubble and the media scrubbers with customary aplomb.

Least reported (quelle surprise) was the Muslim vote, which has now firmly breached the surface and looks set to disavow its parasitic dependence on Labour. While not quite as influential as predicted, this should worry everyone. Although there is a certain delicious irony watching those who lit the multicultural fuse coming face-to-face with the consequences. Misandrist hags like Jess Phillips, who narrowly held onto her Birmingham Yardley seat after a challenge from a ‘pro-Gaza’ candidate (as I believe the euphemism currently goes). Phillips had to endure the indignity of boos during her acceptance speech, and took the unusual feminist step of appealing to the patriarchy to ‘throw them out’, before offering herself up for a bit of grooming (sadly, no takers).

You would of course feel sorry for Jess, had she not spent the last decade screeching about the ‘Islamophobes’ spoiling the multicultural Nirvana:

The level of islamophobia people are displaying currently is sickening. My constituents, family & friends are not Islamists, they do not hate any of these things. They are not a mob, they are just people. No one bullied me (any more than on any issue) I vote out of analysis not fear.

You reap what you sow, Jess luv.

As tragic as all this is, there’s always the comedic value of the Starmer government - which is going to provide satirical material for years to come if nothing else. The Pillsbury Doughboy-in-chief flumped into Number 10, and gave his victory speech like a staccato metronome. Painfully annunciating every syllable like his life depended on it, Starmer had to look down at his notes 150 times - presumably in search of something to kneel for. He promised an end to ‘ideology’, before lauding Sunak for being Britain’s first Asian PM - make of that what you will.

The real glory of the Starmer administration however, is clearly the talent on display in the Cabinet; most of whom would have less chance of passing their Eleven-plus than Joe Biden. Here’s a brief look at the runners and riders:

Angela Rayner: Minister for Edjookayshon

Rachel Reeves: Minister for Plagiarism

Naz Shah: Minister for Grooming

Yvette ‘refugees welcome’ Cooper: Minister for Open Borders

David Lammy (for all his years of public cervix): Minister for Race-baiting

Chris Williamson: Ambassador to Israel

Sue Gray: Chief of Stasi

Dawn Butler: Minister for LGBTQwerty giraffes

Shamima Begum: Gap Year Special Adviser

Sir Patrick ‘Dr Doom’ Vallance: Minister for Euthanasia

Fiona Onasanya: Minister for Ankle Tags

Meanwhile, Starmer has gotten straight down to business, and if you were wondering what you can expect with Labour at the helm, here’s a brief summary: digital ID’s alongside self-identification (at least it avoids the problem of voter ID); more trans bullshit, not less; a doubling-down on commitment to DEI; borders crowbarred open even more; further incursions on free speech; the criminalisation of Islamophobia (a policy which will come back to bite them in the arse); even higher taxes; closer ties with the EU; softer prisons (but don’t worry it’s ok, because he’s got 24-hour security); the scrapping of Rwanda - the money saved spent on a red carpet from Dover to Calais. In short, if you thought the Tories were Shi’ite, you ain’t seen nothing yet!

In other news, spare a thought for disconsolate President of France, Emmanuel Macron, whose ready supply of sweaty African criminals will soon dry up at the hands of Marine le Pen. Don’t worry about the lads waiting patiently in Calais, they’ll soon be heading over into the arms of Starmer, who they perceive to be ‘their friend’. Fear not Macaroon, Justin Trudeau did call, promising to black up and sing ‘Mammy’ anytime, anywhere.

St Paul’s Cathedral Choir has finally admitted girl choristers for the first time in its 900-year history, much to the dismay of the choirmasters, who voiced concerns about the increase in sopranos and the drop in grope-able penises.

Joe Biden has refused to step down as US President, claiming ‘Only Lord Almighty can tell me to stand down’. This was not however due to any sense of duty, but rather that Biden no longer has the requisite motor skills to control his legs.

And finally, the unflushable turd Tony Blair has advised Keir Starmer to ‘control Britain’s borders to counter Reform UK’. Naturally, this has nothing to do with national security or fulfilling promises to the electorate, but simply because Labour and the entirety of Westminster hate Nigel Farage.

And therein lies the only redeeming feature of this god awful government: so unfit for purpose, it guarantees a genuinely conservative victory in 2029 - more than likely, with Farage at its head.

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, and any taxable assets you may have foolishly acquired.

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

If you enjoy my work, please consider buying me a coffee - it would really help to keep me going. Thank you!