The Frank Report LXXV

Welcome back to The Frank Report and to 2024, I trust the New Year is living up to your expectations thus far? The big story this week (at least for my money), was the shock revelation that Jeremy Corbyn is poised to set up a ‘real Labour Party’ to challenge Keir Starmer. As far-fetched as it sounds, the stage could well be set for the return of Comrade Corbyn. He certainly has the motivation, having been suspended by Sir Keir back in 2020; the Muslim vote is deserting Labour en masse, and despite his 20-point lead over the Tories, Starmer is still perennially unpopular with voters. While Labour is apparently unconcerned by the challenge posed by Corbyn, someone who is taking him seriously is gorgeous George Galloway, who has made Jezza a ‘unity offer’ to prevent a ‘socialist split’; well, there’s no point letting all that lovely Jew-hate go to waste now is there?  

You can say what you like about Jeremy (and I often do), but whatever you think of him politically he does have one redeeming feature: unlike Starmer, you know exactly what you’re getting. As former paramour Diane Abbott will testify, Corbyn has never met a terrorist he wouldn’t get into bed with, an aspect of Britain he considers worth defending, or a Jew he’d condescend to squeeze a vote from. Regrettably in Britain, there are now many for whom those are admirable and electable qualities.   

Meanwhile at Westminster, it’s business as usual – which essentially means the country is going to the dogs. With the promise of a general election in the second half of the year, the only question now remaining is how much damage the Conservative Party can do before entrusting Starmer to finish the job. After months of stagnation, Britain’s GDP is now in freefall. The London job market has weakened at its fastest pace since 2020 – the most reliable indicator of an incoming Labour government. And economists predict Brexit will leave the UK £300bn worse off by 2035 – although you needn’t worry about that, Sir Keir and chums will do that much damage in their first couple of months.  

Things are about as desperate as they can get for our billionaire school prefect moonlighting as PM, Rishi Sunak. With Suella Braverman threatening to destroy the Rwanda plan, Labour already meeting with civil servants, and cutesy MP’s like Philip Davies offering advice like: ‘perhaps we haven’t been conservative enough?’, Rishi was desperate for another foreign war. Fortunately, foreign interventionism is the one thing western governments do rather well, and a nice little skirmish was tracked down in Yemen where the Houthis (tragically bereft of their leader ‘Blowfish’) are supporting Hamas in the war in Gaza; think of them as the ‘pro-Palestine’ marchers in London, but obviously much less radical. Although ‘jihad’ is usually a complex and nuanced issue to be treated with caution, the allied forces have chosen in this instance to bomb the bastards to buggery first, and ask questions later.  

After a series of heavy airstrikes pounded rebel stronghold sections of Yemen, the furious Houthi forces vowed to retaliate on a scale ‘beyond the imagination’ of the West. Naturally I can’t speak for the US military, but if the recent diversity push is anything to go by, the scale of the British armed forces amounts to a handful of transwomen, and an unlimited supply of pronouns - bring it on lads! True to form, a belligerent Président Macron refused to support the allied airstrikes. When quizzed about his commitment to the Entente Cordiale, Macron simpered ‘It saves time surrendering early in wars, irrespective of whether or not you’re actually participating’.  

The Hamas protests were back in business yesterday on the streets of London, and the Metropolitan Police confirmed the deployment of 1,700 officers – although Sir Mark Rowley refused to say how many of them would be actively participating in the rioting and Kristallnacht reenactments. London Mayor, Sadiq Khan, would have loved to partake in the rioting, but he was tragically hit with news that over 1,000 murders have taken place in the capital during the 2,773 days since his election. Speaking to The Frank Report off the record, Khan was visibly frustrated. “Of course, I want to do better” he said, “I’d hoped to get it up to one a day, and in the summer of course we manage that – but there’s just not much demand for knife crime during these cold winters”.  

In his defence Khan has been busy all week, attempting to remove ‘spooky ghost marks’ from the Elizabeth Line. Initially thought to be caused by people leaning against the walls and damaging the paintwork, TFL finally discerned that the effect was in fact caused by the last remaining honkies wondering around the capital at night, terrifying the ethnic majority. Not to worry however, the Mayor has made it a manifesto pledge to round them up and have them all shot by the end of his third term.   

In other news, addressing the party faithful at an NHS dentist this week, Keir Starmer’s comments that “It’s fundamentally wrong for a government to think children’s tooth decay is none of their business” were met with nervous glances. “We’re not going full Nanny state though, don’t worry” Starmer added, “Gang rape and stabbing’s still fine of course”, the cheers from which practically brought the roof down. Meanwhile, north of the border SNP zealots are proposing seven years in jail for parents who refuse to allow their children to change gender. Fortunately in Scotland (as former First Minister Sturgeon will attest), it’s rather hard telling the girls apart from the boys anyway.  

According to the Home Office, there have been no illegal Channel crossings for 26 days now – the longest moratorium for five years. While the pen-pushers couldn’t be certain, there were suggestions that the adverse weather conditions ‘might’ have been a contributing factor. Fantastic – send one of the ‘remote-working’ oiks down to Argos, and install a couple of wave machines at Dover and Folkestone – problem solved! Labour MP’s meanwhile, complained this week that illegal migrants are treated worse than suspected terrorists in Britain. That’s as may be, but seeing as terrorists are given priority housing, 24/7 security and unlimited Jihad Seekers’ Allowance, perhaps that’s no bad thing.  

The Net Zero nincompoops were dealt a blow on Friday, as another electric double-decker bus caught fire in the London rush hour. Naturally there were demands for all electric vehicles to be withdrawn from service until they’re declared safe, although Sadiq Khan was quick to suggest they should simply be incorporated into the City Hall Jihadi Apprenticeship Scheme - thereby tending to the needs of the capital’s fastest growing job market, and minimising inconvenience to the public.

Elon Musk has expressed concerns about airline plans to prioritise diversity over safety – with rumoured quotas for the RNIB. “Of course, I have no objections to blind pilots” Musk said defensively, “but how far down this road are we willing to go? They’ll be hiring female ones next!”  

And finally, The Frank Report can’t help feeling the accusations that eminent cosmologist Stephen Hawking was a frequent flyer to Epstein’s Island are a little insensitive. If Professor Hawking did manage to get his leg out the wheelchair, let alone over, surely he deserves a free pass if not a medal? Besides which, the rumours are that Epstein offered bribes to shut down the Hawking ‘underage orgy’ claim – and while obviously Hawking as the Island poster might have been bad for business, at least it shows Jeffrey’s commitment to disabled quotas.  

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves and enjoy your Sunday, whomever you’re knocking off.  

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

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