The Frank Report LXXVI

Welcome to the latest instalment of The Frank Report, where you find me in unusually fine fettle. While practically every other middle-aged ne’er-do-well in the vicinity has now had their regulation state-sponsored heart attack, my myocarditis appears as yet in its infancy. Forced at gunpoint to have the initial two doses of the clot-shot, I did thankfully manage to dodge the boosters. Should The Frank Report skip a beat in the near future however, you will alas understand why!

To business then: we kicked the week off with the reassuringly familiar spectacle of illegal migrants crossing the Channel, and once more ensconcing themselves within the capacious realms of the taxpayer’s wallet. These are in fact the first (no doubt of many) illegals to brave the Channel in 2024, after 27 days of strikes. While the junior doctors want an unreasonable 35% from the Exchequer, all an illegal demands is 5* accommodation, GP appointments on tap, and a primary school close enough to the mosque so that jihad can be mixed with pleasure.

Far from a breather for the Conservative Party and the country as a whole, the immigration moratorium brought with it an unpredicted emotional outburst from the public, as they realised just how much they’d come to rely on their out-of-town comrades. The hotels were looking empty, and the streets hauntingly safe. Bereft of the joys of multicultural enrichment, many Brits were forced to undertake black market activities to prop up the economy; enthusiastically beating their wives to the sound of the Adhan, they even gang-raped their own daughters to avoid the inevitable falling behind with our European cohorts. So welcome back Abdul and Abdullah, we’ve missed you lads!

In Westminster meanwhile, the writing’s on the wall for the Tories (and I don’t mean the racier passages graffitied in the House of Commons bogs). A comprehensive YouGov poll of some 14,000 voters is now predicting electoral oblivion, the likes of which have not been seen in well over a century. The Conservatives are expected to retain a mere 169 seats at the next general election - handing an ill-deserving Keir Starmer almost 400. It’s not all doom and gloom though, 11 cabinet ministers are set to have their arses handed to them, including Jeremy ‘See you next Tuesday’ Hunt, Grant ‘Women are the solution to the armed forces recruitment crisis’ Shapps, and Penny ‘Chicks can have dicks’ Mordaunt (yes, granted she looks great with an unsheathed sword between her bosoms, but you have to get the basics right if you want to be taken seriously).

Sadly, the basics look well beyond the remit of the Home Office. Unable to deport foreign gangsters and convicted murderers, officials were forced this week to admit the thousands of illegals ‘earmarked’ for a one-way ticket to Rwanda have mysteriously ‘gone awol’, and that the published number turned out to be a (rare) conservative estimate. With merely months left to save his premiership, Sunak is clearly scrabbling around desperately for a policy to sway the voters. His cabinet’s best suggestion was the attempt to ban Britain’s foremost antisemitic, Islamist group - no not the Labour Party, the BBC or the Metropolitan Police, but those cuddly clerics of Hizb ut-Tahrir. True enough, the group aims to establish a global Islamic caliphate and is banned in all Arab countries except Lebanon, Yemen and the UAE, however they do take sporadic legal advice from Keir Starmer and organise coffee (sorry, kafir) mornings in London in support of Hamas. Naturally then, there were concerns at City Hall that such a ban could seriously damage London’s multicultural appeal.

None of this will wash of course, the Tory war on immigration was lost years ago - having never actually been fought in the first place. The fact is, Rishi Sunak’s ability to hit the target is so piss-poor, if he personally sat atop the White Cliffs and started shooting migrants with a Gatling gun as they disembarked, he’d still have less chance of survival than they would. Worse still, the polls are now showing Nigel Farage would beat the Tories by a good 10% were he to stand in Clacton at the next election. Perhaps the Conservatives should stand down for Reform UK, or at the very least officially merge with Labour and save the voters the trouble of making a non-choice.

In other news, the Israel-Hamas war took a major step towards resolution this week. It was always going to take a man of unquestionable gravitas to broker a peaceful settlement, and finally Ben Affleck has stepped up to the plate. Jettisoning his role as Jennifer Lopez’s spare vibrator, Affleck has turned his full talents to the cause. ‘Ceasefire now’ he proclaimed to adulation; job done then.

In London meanwhile, the Met Police are having a harder time discerning the nuances of the Hamas supporters, and are still ‘looking into’ the video of a protest speech which included the esoteric line: ‘Our day will come but we must normalise massacres as the status quo.’ A week later there is still no update, although rumours circulate that the Met are likely to switch their attention to that vile far-right nutjob Douglas Murray, who dared tweet his complaint about it.

And north of the border, Humza Yousaf's brother-in-law has been charged with drug offences. Naturally I don’t wish to question the iron fist of the law, but if you’d married into that family you’d want something stronger than Ovaltine to get you off to sleep wouldn’t you? 

Across the pond there are concerns that those with severe intellectual and psychiatric disabilities will soon be in charge of our air travel, because of diversity quotas. But why not? They hired Biden presumably with much the same rationale? And hairdressers’ nightmare Boris Johnson has claimed a second Trump presidency could be ‘what the world needs’ – and that he’s available as an understudy anytime, any place.

Sadiq Khan’s plans to implement 50% black cab quotas for jihadists moved a step closer this week, when Transport for London agreed to ‘pause’ English language requirement for cabbies. In a completely unrelated matter, Khan also found £123m down the back of the City Hall sofa, with which he is now able to freeze Tube fares. God (and clearly 72 virgins) loves a trier.

Lock up your daughters (no pun intended), Josef Fritzl is about to be released from prison after an ‘expert’ ruled he was no longer a danger to the public. That’s as may be, but is it a coincidence this week that the number of women ‘drinking themselves to death’ has risen by 37%? Personally, I can think of worse ways to go than hitting the bottle.

Children’s TV favourite turned Islamic extremist, Andy-Pandy, (a.k.a. Anjem Choudary) was back in court this week, charged with three alleged terror offences: directing a terrorist organisation, being a member of a proscribed organisation, and (in a surprise private prosecution from the Labour Party) failing to use all his jihadi friends’ postal votes when voting for Jeremy Corbyn back in 2019.

And finally, King Charles III has gone public with the news that he is undergoing treatment for an enlarged prostrate, in order to encourage other men to get theirs checked. Buckingham Palace refused however to confirm the rumours that his Majesty has nicknamed his prostate ‘That Montecito twat!’

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, whatever government funded injuries you’re sporting.

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

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