The Frank Report LXXX

This week saw the opening of Parliament, and the swearing in of MPs old and new. Freshly-appointed Minister for Jihad, Naz Shah, pledged her allegiance to King Charles III (peas be upon him) via the Koran. Clive Lewis, Minster for Arseholes, whined that the nod to the Monarchy really went against his principles, but not quite enough to refuse the 90-grand stipend. And shadow Minister for Hamas, Jeremy Corbyn, complained that the oath was ‘a load of nonsense’, before screaming “Death to the Jews!”, laying a wreath and singing the Red Flag. Plus ça change, eh?

The big question this week of course was whether Labour would finish off Tony Blair’s wholesale destruction of the nation, or whether they’d play the long game? We kicked things off with the revelation that the billionaire James Dyson has cut 1,000 jobs from the UK, and is relocating his headquarters to Singapore. This matches reports that Britain is likely to see an exodus of one in six millionaires by 2028. Speaking off the record to The Frank Report, Dyson confirmed that while his vacuums are indeed the finest in the world, “no one sucks quite as consistently and effectively as a Labour government”. Amen brother.

Sucking up to the EU was clearly next on the PM’s agenda, and while the media is awash with reports that sex-on-a-stick Starmer is hoping to water down Brexit and effect closer ties with the EU, this is absolutely, definitely, guaranteed not an attempt to reverse the 2016 referendum.

Left-wing politics revolve primarily around knowing which arse to kiss, and naturally Starmer couldn’t resist the White House summons from Vegetable-in-Chief, Joe Biden. Committed to keeping it real with the electorate, Starmer reported that Dementia Joe was “on really good form”, and that the pair “went through a huge number of issues at pace”, with Biden showing “incredible leadership”. To the cynics questioning Starmer’s assessment of the situation, bear in mind he spends most of his time with Ange Rayner and David Lammy, so he’s rarely exposed to coherent sentences or average cognitive ability.

Next up was immigration. If you thought the borders were porous under Sunak, you ain’t seen nothing yet baby! Rwanda has been axed (quelle surprise), and Starmer has admitted the small boats crisis “could get worse before it gets better”. Still, we’ve only had 14,000 cross the Channel this year, so to get the ball rolling Labour is set to grant asylum to 100,000 migrants - first come, first served lads! Meanwhile Home Secretary, Yvette ‘refugees welcome’ Cooper, has vowed to “restore confidence and trust” in the Old Bill, and put an end to fears that “no one will come”. How is she to achieve this miracle you may ask? Simple, state-sponsored orgasms for illegals by enshrining “gang rape” as a human right.

Prisons similarly have been given the Starmer treatment, with zero hours contracts promised to end the outdated ‘employer-employee’ nature of the penile system. Up to 40,000 convicts are likely to be freed early to reduce overcrowding, but Labour insiders confess the party is considering sentence reductions of up to 100% - provided felons promise “not to get caught doing it again”.

On Ukraine, Starmer has promised the UK will give Zelensky £3 billion a year, no questions asked “for as long as it takes”. When asked how she hoped to balance the books, Rachel Reeves explained that David Lammy has been told to “tone his expenses down a bit”.

Fraggle Rock reject and Minister for Blackouts, Ed Miliband, has ordered an immediate ban on new drilling in the North Sea. When asked how he intended to keep the National Grid running, Milipede told The Frank Report that he didn’t give a shit, as long as he got to sing “How dare you?!” With Greta Thunberg at COP29.

To mitigate the looming apocalypse, councils have already been instructed to prepare for a 4-day week, and pensioners told that the pittance they receive is soon likely to be means tested - in other words, if you’re white, British and you’ve paid your stamps, you can go whistle. Credit where credit’s due, I didn’t think Starmer would achieve much in office - but he’s certainly off to a flying start.

Turning our attention across the pond, the big story this morning was that Donald Trump wasn’t assassinated, much to the chagrin of many Democrats and media outlets, who seemed intent on downplaying the shooting:

The Washington Post: Trump escorted away after loud noises at Pennsylvania rally

CNN: Secret Service rushed Trump off stage after he falls at rally

USA Today: Trump removed from stage by Secret Service after loud noise startles former President

If social media had been around in 1945, the discovery of Anne Frank would probably have been reported thus: “Jewish girl rescued from cupboard by concerned welfare officers”.

Holding back their tears, most world leaders were quick to condemn the shooting. Keir Starmer finally managed to get a tweet out, although he did say it was most inconvenient of Trump to get shot after 6pm on a family night. Joe Biden took a couple of hours to have his nappy changed and teleprompter set up, but stopped short of calling it an ‘assassination’ attempt. In Joe’s defence, there’s two asses and a whole load of syllables in that word, and in a campaign where the other candidate refuses to die, it’s just too much of a risk. Hilary Clinton declined to comment, although she was rumoured to have said “you get less bang for your buck these days”.

Given that the vote-rigging, impeachment, show trials, arrest, imprisonment and assassination have all failed to dent the popularity of Donald Trump, some extremists within the Democrat party are rumoured to be considering 'actually trying to win the election' as an alternative strategy. 

In other news four migrants died crossing the Channel on Thursday, although 56 survived so clearly there’s plenty of room for improvement. Sadiq Khan plans to charge drivers an extra £4 a day to use London’s tunnels, however he did say that in the likely event that you get stabbed en route, the money would be refunded.

The media have spent much of the week explaining their fawning adulation of the Labour PM by pushing the narrative that “The Starmers are sexy”. Granted, Lady Starmer is unlikely to be kicked out of bed, but the notion that Sir Keir is a big hit at the local swingers club is only likely to be true if the other option on the menu is Fred and Rose West.

And finally, the BBC has unfortunately decided to pull their coverage of the Euro 2024 final between England and Spain at the last minute, because of racism fears. Apparently only 70% of the England team identify as BAME, which is obviously nowhere near the usual threshold for BBC programming. Best of luck lads!

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, and if there’s a bullet with your name on it remember to act like big Don.

For those who might have missed it, here’s my coverage of the general election, courtesy of the Daily Sceptic:

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

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