The Frank Report V

Good news this week for GCSE and A-level students, who are going to be graded ‘more generously’ in 2022 to make up for the Covid disruption. Examinations will be limited to a single question, asking pupils to indicate which grade they identify with.

Glad tidings too for Jess Phillips, who was reportedly paid £15k for a couple of hours work hosting Have I Got News For You. Complaints to the BBC aside, this does at least bring her earnings in-line with Labour’s minimum wage demands.

Bad news however from Scotland Yard, whose figures confirm that a disproportionate half of last year’s murder victims in London were black. God only knows what’s going to happen when reporters enquire about the demography of the assailants.

Moving on to health, heart attacks are apparently the next pandemic we have to worry about, with the government advising us not to shovel snow, take paracetamol, walk the dog, make the bed, or breathe too deeply, just in case. Anyone who thinks they are suffering from a heart attack (these things can be asymptomatic, don’t forget) are advised to contact the emergency services. This was promptly met with fury by the already beleaguered NHS, with one spokesman commenting: ‘those Tiktok videos don’t make themselves, you know?’

Heart attacks notwithstanding, the longterm effects of lockdown are beginning to show. Nowhere is that more evident than London, where once dynamic duo Sadiq and Cressida have reached a parting of the ways. While Dick and Khant make ideal bedfellows most of the time, they’ve not been hitting London’s g-spot lately – unless of course the ‘g’ stands for GBH.

Having put Dick ‘on notice’ last week (which, let’s face it is usually the way of things), Khant has uncharacteristically followed through on his promise, rather than pulling out at the last minute. But there may be unforeseen complications for London’s favourite Muslim feminist.

Firing someone, you see, tends to carry with it the assumption that you’re on top of your own brief. Getting fired by Sadiq Khan has got to be up there with having your gardening pooh-poohed by Fred West. And if Priti hires a new MET commissioner who’ even vaguely up to the task, where exactly will that leave Sadiq?

In sport, West Ham footballer Kurt Zouma has had his two cats taken away from him by the RSPCA after footage emerged of him kicking one. If he wants to kick a little pussy, why doesn’t he just do what Meghan does to Prince Harry every time he fluffs his lines on Netflix?

In fact, rumours are that all is not well at Hairy and MEghan’s £11M mansion, which is apparently engulfed in a foul odour. Meghan’s PR team have denied this is due to the ongoing colonic irrigation of Harry’s white, colonial, royalist privilege, although local sources did confirm ‘she’s still got some way to go’.

From little pussies to big cats: Moggy (or Jacob Rees-Mogg, if you prefer) has been promoted in the post-Partygate reshuffle, and finally given the cabinet role of Brexit minister. When warned that his EU counterparts are unlikely to delight in an 18th century Englishman lecturing them on their syntax, Mogg is believed to have said, ‘I couldn’t give a floccinaucinihilipilification!’

And finally, WWIII is still firmly on the cards as tensions escalate on the Ukrainian border. US President Joe Biden has warned Vladimir Putin against invading Ukraine, threatening to read the autocue at him unless he desists. Putin, however has denied any plans to invade, insisting that the 130,000 Russian troops are contestants for this year’s Russia’s Got Talent, desperate for a bit of winter sunshine.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, you know the government won’t.