The Frank Report VII

It is with regret that a sombre mood has gripped us this week, and the jokes are a bit thin on the ground. First we had the (thankfully false) rumours that her Majesty had died after contracting Covid. Rumours first circulated by the blog, Hollywood Unlocked, who quickly apologised for the story; but not before Prince Andrew’s deodorant got a little nervous - had the old girl’s cheque cleared before she snuffed it?

The start of WWIII is hard to ignore, unless of course you’re NATO, the UN, or the EU, in which case the old ‘tea-light manoeuvre’ can be deployed en masse. If the Russian invasion of Ukraine proves one thing, it is that the clearest and most important distinction between people in 2022, is those who merely signal, and those who act.

For too long, the West has been getting away with non-actions; repackaging their cowardice as virtue, and blowing themselves every time the innocent are bombed to smithereens. We seem to have forgotten that sometimes, genuine actions are required - and we are now being subjected to the routine emetic of celebrity non-entities and charlatan politicians, sticking two fingers up to the Ukrainian people, and pretending it’s the sign of peace.

Those who have spent the last two years as overnight virologists, have once again morphed - this time, into geopolitics PhD’s. Greta Thunberg, Sweden’s worst export since Ikea, is protesting outside the Russian embassy in Stockholm. The EU, the Eiffel Tower, and Number 10 Downing Street are among the buildings pledging solidarity with the Ukrainian flag. Sadiq Khan confidently tweeted ‘London lights up in solidarity with our friends in Ukraine. You are not alone.’ He didn’t mean it of course, otherwise he’d have been on his knees, clapping.

The pisstakes were much better. In Canada, Justine Trudeau took five minutes away from the thumb screws and the rack, to ‘take a stand against authoritarianism’. Cardi B ‘weighed in on the Russia-Ukraine crisis’ (presumably because Cardi A was still in the wash), and the Taliban released a statement ‘calling for restraint’, which for me wins best in show.

Harry and Meghan meanwhile, tore themselves away from their 9-bedroom, 16-bathroom California mansion to ‘stand with the people of Ukraine’. As if war wasn’t bad enough, the absolute last thing Ukrainians need as the tanks crush them to death, is the knowledge that the world’s most famous ponces are profiteering from their slaughter. At least Joe Biden had the good taste to take the weekend off.

I fear for Putin, in the face of such stupefying pressure. But all credit to the man, he has stood firm and sent the boys in. Really the boys you understand, which is why he will no doubt be unsuccessful. Putin you see, does not understand the importance of an inclusive military, where at least half the soldiers are transgender, and the other half women who can’t complete basic training (although on the plus side, they’re ashamed of their white privilege).

Social media meanwhile, has had an upgrade. Set against the omnipresent backdrop of self-obsessed, pronoun-glorifying, pansified con artists, are the real people - who have at last found a voice. Special mention must be made to President Zelensky, who despite the almost certain death he faces, has refused to leave his people, and requests ammunition rather than evacuation:

Good morning everybody. Do not believe fake news. I am here. We will not lay down our weapons. We will defend our country. Our weapons are our strength. This is our land. Our country. Our children. We will protect them all.

Outstanding valour is also being shown by the Klitschko brothers. Two of the greatest heavyweight boxing champions of all-time, who between them have made hundreds of millions from the sport. Rather than leg it to Germany (where they are effectively Gods), Vitali (Kiev’s mayor) and his brother Vladimir have enlisted.

And of course, not forgetting the lionhearted men of Ukraine. Almost to a man they are standing up to be counted, and will likely perish in their thousands as they send their women and children away from danger. The respect I have for these people is beyond words, and although non-religious, I almost feel compelled to pray for them.

Christ only knows the confusion the Ukrainian refugees are going to cause in Europe, when they show up only women and children. It will be interesting to see how many 5-star hotels offer them houseroom, so accustomed are they to fighting-age men, fleeing the ravages of French hospitality.

In these dark days, we’re going to require some light relief; thankfully it is en route. Boots are now selling £6 Covid tests, because even the Conservative government aren’t profligate enough to perpetually piss £2Bn a month away on tests nobody needs. Let’s see how far Liberal hypochondria extends, when it’s not state-sponsored.

Sweden has begun microchipping its citizens for the convenience of showing their Covid vaccination status - but don’t worry, only a conspiracy theorist would suggest they could be used for tracking.

And finally, after five years in the shadows, Lutfur Rahman, the Arthur Daley of Tower Hamlets is returning to frontline politics. You may recall, the only mayor in history convicted of electoral fraud (quite an achievement in Tower Hamlets). One can only hope, this time he aims to win slightly less than 100% of the vote.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, especially if you’re in Ukraine - you know no one else will.