The Frank Report VIII

The Frank Report VIII

The only thing worse than virtue signalling, is other people doing so on your behalf. I trust therefore, that you’ve all poured yourself a large VAT (vodka and tonic, for those not overly familiar with Arthur Daley), and let us being.

There was sad news from the Welsh town of Colwyn Bay, where Tom Mansfield miscalculated his caffeine intake, and drank the equivalent of 200 cups of coffee in one sitting. My heart goes out to the poor chap; I’ve wanted to slash my wrists a few times after being forced to sit through an episode of Friends too.

With the war in Ukraine reaching its 10th day and fuel prices skyrocketing, rumours from the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority are that even David Lammy has refused to put his on expenses. And the cricketing world mourns the death of legendary spin bowler, Shane Warne. At 52 and double jabbed, Warney was a bit old for his first heart attack; as at the crease however, he always got the job done in the end.

Speaking of creases, domestic virtue signal of the week must surely go to Labour MP for Walthamstow, Stella Creasy, who wants a few issues ironed out at Westminster. Creasy tweeted her dismay at having to force ‘kid2’ to remain in the chamber till 1am, so she could vote on the policing bill. She’s right of course; you can’t expect a woman on a measly 84 grand a year to organise childcare.

To illustrate the global support Creasy has, I got a text from a close friend in Odessa last night, who says that childcare there isn’t much better. Apparently there is little government assistance for women who’ve stayed behind to fight, and not only is his wife forced to breastfeed triplets while making molotov cocktails, but the Ruskies have inexplicably refused to keep the noise down after the watershed.

Best international virtue signal meanwhile, is a crowded field as one might expect. Meghan and Harry sent an ‘urgent’ message to Ukraine, rather than an urgent $20M. A Canadian restaurant, Le Roy Jucep, has renamed ‘poutine’ because it sounds like Putin, while Sainsbury’s have changed the name of chicken kievs to kyiv. It’s hard to say which of these will be the most effective in stopping the war, but at least it will put NATO needn’t bother intervening.

Speaking of chicken, Justine (Trudeau) is on his way to Europe to counter ‘misinformation’ - is there no end to that man’s gallantry? Not forgetting Gary Lineker of course, who alongside knowing sweet FA (about a remarkable number of things), seems to have gotten his hashtags muddled when he tweeted last week:

I know these are scary times for other reasons, but for crying out loud, we need to act NOW on climate change to avoid catastrophe.

Back at Number 10, the government has added ‘the cost of net zero’ to the rather extensive dossier of ‘things it doesn’t know’, while the list of ‘things it doesn’t want you to know’, continues to break records. The latest entry, is that well over 2,000 illegal immigrants are known to have crossed the Channel this year, with 631 coming in the first three days of March alone. The House of Lords meanwhile, keen to dispel the myth that they are a bunch of doddery old fools, rejected the bill criminalising illegal immigration (you’d have thought the clue was in the name).

On to health, and proof finally that when it comes to preventing the spread of Covid, cloth masks don’t work (but then, neither do most of those who advocate using them).

Pisstake of the week most definitely goes to Sadiq Khan, who spends half his time bemoaning the terrible state of London’s air, but argued on Tuesday that London is ‘well-prepared if Russia launches a nuclear attack’. Presumably he means a nuclear Holocaust gets 10/10 for inclusivity, or perhaps that our old stockpiles of toilet paper will come in handy for when we shit ourselves?

And finally, it was great to see Paulette Hamilton win the Erdington by-election, and become the north’s first black MP. This was despite despicable slurs from the Tory benches, who highlighted past comments where Hamilton indicated she preferred the bullet to the ballot box, and was not against vote fraud. Thankfully, when Keir Starmer pointed out that this actually made her a Labour moderate (and that he’d be having words to ensure she upped her extremist rhetoric), this had little effect on the outcome.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, you know no one else is going to.

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