The Frank Report XI

Welcome to a special Mothers’ Day edition of the Frank Report - and if you are a mother, might I suggest you reach for that gin and tonic a little earlier than usual? Instead of the customary lie-in and breakfast in bed, that extra hour’s kip may have brought a few changes to your household. With the NHS gender swap waiting list for children now standing at a whopping 5,500, little Johnny is likely to have become little Josephine overnight.

It’s no good smacking the little blighters either - Wales, along with Scotland, has already put paid to that. In fact, mothers in England may wish to take the opportunity to beat the shit out of any offspring within range; get your kicks in while you still can.

You can’t rely on the state to ruin your kids’ lives these days either, with Covid essentially virus non grata even amongst the faithful. The bullshitters in-charge are backtracking at a rapid pace, and admitting what everyone has known for two years: yes the pandemic models were sexed up, yes the vaccines don’t work, yes the vaccinated are more at risk - but best of all was Professor Whitty’s astonishing revelation that ‘school closures are likely to have affected children’. I could have told them that, but then (like Ketanji Brown Jackson) I’m not an epidemiologist.

Mothers may also be suffering a lack of filial affection today, because no one knows who they are any more. The Labour Party hasn’t put a Mothers’ Day card on expenses in years, with the latest skinflint being shadow equalities minister, Charlotte Nichols, who claims anger at rudder-assisted swimmer Lia Thomas is just ‘lazy transphobia’.

You might have expected Rishi Sunak who taxes 13.2 million of them to know what a woman is, but he couldn’t tell you either. With the latest YouGov poll showing the Tories and Labour tied neck-and-neck (if only!) on 36% of the vote, it does rather suggest any politician with the vaguest idea of womanhood would sweep the board.

Also this week at Westminster, Boris provoked condemnation when he dared compare the Ukraine conflict to Brexit. Such comparisons demean the struggle in the poorest of taste - hardline Remainers (most of them in the House of Commons) put up much stiffer resistance than the Russian troops currently are.

Talking of stiffies, Lia Thomas seems to have inspired a global return to swimming, particularly amongst Sub-Saharan athletes. While their mothers put their feet up at home, 4,000 Lia Thomas lookalikes are known to have crossed the English Channel this year (four times the same period in 2021). While the odd racist has complained about the lack of available five-star hotel accommodation, you can’t say the authorities aren’t taking it seriously - Twitter has thankfully had the courage to ban  Steve Laws, which should see the matter quiet down.

From stiffies to selfies, Sadiq Khan has finally bitten the bullet and is waging war on the real epidemic facing London - it’s air: ‘Londoners deserve a city free from killer toxic air’ he said. Coincidentally, this was the same night four mothers received the worrying news that their sons / daughters / gendernonbinarypersons were stabbed in London Town, one fatally. Thankfully the autopsy came back confirming their lungs were clean, and the other three have been cleared for tomorrow night’s stabathon.

No mother works harder to put food on the table than Meghan Markle, whose ‘Me, Me, Me!’ podcast is about to hit the airwaves. In her usual self-deprecating way, the multimillionaire countess of whinge aims to ‘dissect, explore and subvert the labels that hold women back’.

Meanwhile, there were staggering revelations from the ‘Conservative’ government, which seems to be accidentally engaged in a genuine conservative policy. Deputy PM, Dominic Raab, is planning to roll back the Human Rights act and ‘stop free speech being whittled away by wokery’. This won’t please M&M of course, but perhaps an interesting topic for a podcast, assuming she has enough time after talking about herself.

In terms of genuine royalty, there was news that her Majesty the Queen has had a stairlift installed at Balmoral. A grateful gift from the nation, saving her precious moments the next time Prince Andrew has her running up and down to settle his non-dalliances.

This is of course, not a problem for most men - who are nonetheless being lined up for a new contraceptive pill, which promises to prevent 99% of pregnancies. Seeing as 99.9% of male chat-up lines already do this for free, I can’t see it catching on.

And finally, our thoughts and prayers are with the mother of all viruses, Covid-19, which has most regrettably tested positive for Hilary Clinton. It is the hallmark of such a virus that it requested no sympathy cards, and we wish it a speedy recover.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of your mothers - they’re the ones without cocks.