The Frank Report XII

It was harder than usual to identify the jokes this April Fools’ Day, seeing as most of the world is already self-identifying as one. Case in point, which of the following is an April Fools’ joke: A) Pubs are now serving a Ploughperson’s Lunch, B) Disney is aiming for 50% of its characters to be LGBTQwerty, or C) Afghan refugees ‘stuck’ in London hotels are refusing to move to permanent homes in Central London? Answer: none of them are, but you’re definitely racist for thinking about it.

We kicked off this week (or rather slapped off) with the Oscars - that revolting conglomeration of wokery, sorely missing its annual dose of Ricky Gervais. Celebrities rooted up the red carpet, determined to be offended by everything except the weight of their own paycheques. The bidding was started with a joke, then a slap, then an award, and finally Will Smith declared ultimate outrage at himself, ‘Violence in all of its forms is poisonous and destructive’ he said. If Putin wants universal support for his next invasion, he could do much worse than aim for the Dolby Theatre next year.

Speaking of violence, are you in possession of a penis? The toxic male ones I mean, not the nice feminine ones the ladies are sporting these days. If so, stop right there you bastard! You could be sexually harassing women without even knowing it. Thank God for Bristol City’s (steady on) ‘If it’s unwanted it’s not OK’ posters, which are here (unlike Will Smith) to give every Y-chromosome smuggler a good slap in the face. Bristol Council wants you to know that unwanted degenerate behaviours like ‘flirting’, ‘compliments’, ‘jokes’ and ‘attention’ are no longer acceptable.

With penises this dangerous, it’s important to have them tagged at all times. Unfortunately, most of Westminster is still playing ‘Pin the cock on the woman’. Ange Rayner pointed out that it was ‘unacceptable to ask trans women if they have a penis’. Emily Thornberry couldn’t do much better, noting that ‘people are complex’. In the end, it was left for Labour leader, Keir Starmer, to clarify the situation. Cornered on precisely where the pricks were kept, Keir eschewed his trademark evasion, admitting ‘I usually keep them on the front bench’.

Meanwhile, those north and west of the border unable to beat the shit out of their children, have an ally in Dr Sara Kayat, who welcomes Covid jabs for 5-year-olds next week. Kayat who insists ‘the risks are extremely low’ (but hopefully, some of the little bastards will die), is the self-same GP who told us just a year ago that the vaccines were 100% effective against hospitalisation and death. Don’t think about it, just trust the science.

Islam has been a bit quiet of late, but with Ramadan kicking off it’s nice to see the community come together. In Britain, another teacher has been mugged off by Mohammed - this time for drinking from a Jesus and Mo cup in the playground. In Pakistan, a teacher was killed for committing blasphemy in a relative’s dream - it’s marvellous how far you can stretch this ‘hate incident’ shit when you try. And there was uproar as NUS President, Shaima Dallali, was found to have the Muslim Brotherhood slogan, 'death for the sake of Allah is our most exalted wish' promoted at the top of her social media. An NUS spokeswallah has subsequently apologised, saying they will appoint someone less liberal next time.

While some sports suffer from the restrictions of a transfer window, politics is of course immune from such interference. Taking full advantage of the benefits of overnight gender dysphoria, is Tory MP, Jamie Wallis, who reminds us ‘how important it is to be yourself.’ The NHS meanwhile, which won’t see you for any genuine ailments, confirms it will proudly be asking men if they are pregnant. And long-time Westminster recluse, Big Ben, has finally revealed his £80M makeover. Critics rightly argue the money was wasted - he should have identified as ‘Big Brenda’ and got it done free of charge.

And finally, it’s long been known that only fools and horses work - except those at the MET, who are displaying the most outrageous equine homophobia by refusing to cross the rainbow crossings. The horses have not been charged with hate crimes at this stage, but instead are due to get special diversity training.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whatever victim status you’re sporting.

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