The Frank Report XIII

Spring has finally sprung, bringing with it the reassuring end to the tax year. As the nation’s bedsprings creak uneasily at the taxman’s filching hand, all but the most ardent tax avoiders can now breathe a sigh of relief. Still, there’s always the odd one that raises suspicion. Ironically in this case, Arthur Daley turns out to be the taxman’s wife, Akshata Murty, who stands accused of using her non-dom status to (legally) avoid paying UK tax. Of course it’s always a shock to learn the ultra rich are a little taxphobic - if the Panama Papers taught us anything, it’s how hard most of them try to give their money away.

The odd billion quid aside, times are hard at Number 11 Downing Street - the knives are well and truly out for Rishi Sunak. Chief among them are the dulcet tones of Labour’s Jess Phillips, who tweeted ‘It was taxes that brought down Al Capone.’ Jess has a point - it’s always easier spending other people’s money, and £700M doesn’t stretch very far when you’re paying Labour expenses.

Promising to lower taxes across the Channel is French Presidential candidate Marine Le Pen, who may well be poised for victory as France goes to the polls today. Macron might be the bookies favourite, but I wouldn’t bet a sou on him. If you’re a betting man, I’d say MLP is more than worth a punt at 4:1 (remember you heard it here first).

Domestically there’s fierce competition for taxpayer cash, as the government concoct evermore elaborate schemes to piss your hard-earned money away. £70Bn on an unnecessary furlough was a good wheeze, as was the £16Bn lost on ‘Covid fraud and error’. My personal favourite is the £5M/day the Home Office is wasting housing illegals, who just want a few years’ sabbatical from their wives and children fighting the wars back home.

Not content with that, reports are that Napier Barracks (Holiday Inn for fake refugees) must be closed immediately. That’s right - it’s good enough for our boys sent off to die, but not quite up to the 5-star treatment the 30-year old child asylum seekers have come to expect.

Across the pond, Big Bird understudy, Kamala Harris, took time away from the Sesame Street studio to explain the rising price of fuel to the American people, ‘There is a price to pay for democracy - you got to stand with your friends’. This message was brought to you today by the letters ‘F’ and ‘U’, and the number ’30 trillion’.

At Westminster, the Labour Party are still getting to grips with the hard issues like how many penises the voters have, but face stiff opposition from Boris Johnson who made the staggering observation that biological men should not compete with women in sport. Thankfully, GB News’ polymath, Tom Hardwood, was on hand to put him right - ’Some trans women - those who have sufficiently changed their biology, should be assessed on a case by case basis.’

If you’re considering topping yourself because of tax, or merely the insanity of modern life, you might think Corona is the way to go, but think again. The Wu Flu is just about the only thing not killing anyone at the moment - you’d be better off getting vaccinated (heart attacks and blood clots practically guaranteed), or overdoing the hand sanitiser, which now comes with free blindness and cancer. If you’ve got your heart set on harakiri, I maintain reading the Guardian cover to cover will more than get the job done.

In other news, ‘Me, Me, Me again’ Markle is attempting to patent the word ‘archetype’, perhaps unaware that the Greeks got there a couple of centuries ago. A spokesman for the US Patent and Trademark Office is rumoured to have commented, ‘Perhaps the Countess should start smaller with ‘gold-digger’, ‘harridan’ or ‘harpie’, and work her way up.’

In London, Sadiq Khan has been holding Iftars at the Tower of London, and it’s great to see him ensconced in surroundings more in keeping with his character. We contacted Buckingham Palace to enquire whether this could be made a more permanent arrangement, and her Majesty texted back last night to say ‘One is thinking about it.’

In Cornwall, St Blaise Town Council have pulled up 1,000 daffodils, because ‘children might eat them’ - the lunacy of which was well-summarised by Professor Roger Watson. Meanwhile, the daft old ills of the House of Lords are still on display, as members vetoed government plans for Voter ID, on the grounds that vote fraud is a human right we need nationwide, not just in Tower Hamlets.

And finally, breaking news that Jacinda Ardern, high priestess of vaccine mandates, has been refused entry to Russia - yes, she’s so evil even Vlad the Poutine cannot stomach her!

That was Frank’s Week.

Take care of yourselves, and your offshore accounts.

https://thenewconservative.co.uk/