The Frank Report XLVI

Welcome to the latest edition of the Frank Report, where we find Westminster MPs falling over themselves to plug this week’s virtue signal: National ‘Ask Her To Stand’ day (21st November), which demands a 50:50 gender split across parliament. The spurious clamour for quotas is usually matched only by the hypocrisy of those pushing them—and this case is no exception. Among those foremost in marketing themselves as uber-feminists are London Mayor, Sadiq Khan, whose modus operandi is attending gender-segregated events; Keir Starmer, who cannot get enough of all-women shortlists (except for Labour leader, obviously); and Rishi Sunak, who spent the best part of the year tearing Liz Truss to pieces. Perhaps one of them will work out they could achieve their goal by simply resigning, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.

If you wondered why Sunak’s ‘Conservatives’ are polling a mere 26% to Labour’s 49% (that’s the Labour Party remember, who don’t know how to accurately diagnose the contents of their pants), this might have something to do with it. Not to worry, the Reform Party is surging in the polls, which, coupled with rumours that big Nige may once again toss his mustard cords into the ring, could spell electoral oblivion for the Tories. Good riddance if so - that’s what you get for daring to call yourselves ‘Conservatives’ for 12 years, thereby committing the greatest case of fraud since Anjem Choudary signed up to MuslimBabes.com, and checked ‘broad-minded’ on his profile.

If it’s fraudsters you want, then look no further than Qatar where the world’s finest millionaire sissies chose to assuage their LGBTQwerty hypocrisy by wearing ‘OneLove’ armbands at the World Cup. The chicken chokers were looking good until Qatari officials informed them that the ‘anti-hate’ armbands were in fact banned. Turns out they rather like a bit of hate in Qatar, which left the nancyboys with a dilemma - were they actually prepared to take a stand and face the consequences, or were they, like the Islamic state of Qatar - full of shiite? The latter of course, because that’s the point of virtue-signalling - the absence of risk. Besides, what’s the occasional dead poof thrown off a building compared to the inconvenience of a yellow card?

Showing the yellow card to her home country is the world’s gloomiest truant, Greta Thunberg, who had the gall to sue Sweden for ‘failing on climate’. Let’s face it, Sweden’s exports ain’t what they used to be. I’m old enough to remember when the benchmark was ABBA and Brit Ekland; then they hit us with IKEA and I thought it couldn’t get any worse. Turns out I was wrong - Thunberg is like a self-assembly fishwife you don’t have all the right parts for, and can’t switch off. Personally, I rather hope Sweden countersues her for ‘global whinging’.

Meanwhile, the horrifying extent of the climate catastrophe is becoming clear. Welsh river temperatures have increased by 1°C, taking them up to a sweltering 5°C-9°C - don’t forget your wetsuit. Experts warn the impending nuclear war would ‘devastate the world’s oceans’ and cause years-long famine’ - it might even kill a few people too, better get your Pfizer nuclear vaccine in quick! They also warn that despite Brits facing an almost limitless ‘climate reparations’ bill, such a deal still leaves the world ‘on the brink of catastrophe’ - in which case, maybe we should stop pissing trillions we don’t have down the Swanee, and enjoy an extra couple of days of sunshine?

Swanning around their Montecito mansion are Royal wastrels Meghan and Harry, who are feeling pretty good about themselves as they prepare to accept a prestigious human rights award after their ‘heroic stand’ against ‘structural racism’ in the monarchy. Yes, you read that right - the Douche and Douchess of Sussex who make hundreds of millions selling out not only their families, but the nations that host them, want to be decorated for their achievements. I say if it’s medals they want, plant them in the grounds of Buckingham Palace with dunce caps on, and see if they can’t win any prizes as unusual vegetables at the next RHS show.

Speaking of unwelcome guests, UK immigration (both illegals and otherwise) is now totally out of control; acknowledged by the government as half a million net - and that’s the ‘official figures’, not to mention the 1.2M estimated illegals already hiding here. Despite this, the UN still managed to conduct a poll which claims ‘the majority of Brits think refugees are positive for UK’ - possibly because the majority of Brits are no longer British.

To illustrate the point, the most popular UK baby names of 2022 have been revealed, and once again Muhammad (not forgetting his best friends Mohammed, Mohammad, Muhammed, Mohamed, Mohamad, Muhamad, Muhamed, Mohamud, Mohummad, Mohummed, Mouhamed, Mohammod and Mouhamad) came out on top, along (mysteriously) with Sophia. This guarantees us three things: first, that Britain is no longer British, second that Mo and So should make a lovely couple, and third that this year’s must-have Christmas gift for any Sophias nine and over, is that lovely new burka you’ve seen advertised at Marks and Spencers. 

Speaking of berks, we are being rather brazenly primed for the return of former ISIS pin-up, Shamima Begum. Not only are ex-Canadian spies calling for her return, alongside lefty lawyers claiming she was sexually exploited by ISIS, there is also the possibility of her being hanged if she returns to Bangladesh. I confess the sympathy vote cuts little ice with me. After all, Shammy ‘wasn’t fazed’ by the regular sight of severed heads in bins - a nice little hanging should be like a day out at an amusement park for her.

The complexity of the situation was summed up rather nicely by the biggest arsehole in politics: Keir Starmer (that’s what you get for sitting so regularly on both sides of the fence). Starmer shows a breathtaking lack of self-awareness when he confidently claims that A) Labour plans to ‘relax’ immigration rules (which would presumably mean moving ISIS straight into Buckingham Palace?), and B) the UK must wean itself off migrant Labour. To give Starmer his due, he may be the only person in history who could pick every possible answer, and still fail to come up trumps.

Churchill would have known what to do with illegal immigrants of course, but then he’s not exactly flavour of the month right now. New research suggests 38% of 18-24 year-olds want Churchill’s statue removed from Parliament Square over his racial views. This most sensitive of demographics tend to get their way, as they did in Dorset this week where the Aladdin pantomime was cancelled in the middle of rehearsals, after complaints were made about 'cultural insensitivity’. Racism I’m afraid is a dead duck, unless of course you hate honkies, in which case it’s pretty much a free-for-all. The latest homage to ‘kill whitey’ was the excitement expressed by BBC Strictly, who are crossing their fingers at the ‘possibility of the first ever non-white final’ for the dancing show. I don’t know who they’re kidding - anyone so inclined is welcome to frequent the streets of London after dark and watch the latest inter-gang ethnic sword dances for free, courtesy of Sadiq Khan.  

Meanwhile, ‘diversity’ has been called in as caretaker manager to prop-up a failing Covid narrative. UK scientists have tested a human vaccine for bird flu in the event that the deadly virus mutates to infect people on a mass scale. While scientific advisors believe the risk remains low, health officials are preparing for a worst case scenario - do they ever do anything else? Experts are also concerned that Thanksgiving gatherings could accelerate a ‘tripledemic’ - the desperation is really  showing now. You can’t dodge the facts however, even if our leaders keep them mostly under wraps - the truth is the vaccinated now comprise the ‘majority of Covid deaths’ - which means, the pandemic is no longer an issue of the unvaccinated. Andrew ‘It's time to punish Britain's five million vaccine refuseniks’ Neil will be making a public apology any day now.

In other news, civil servants not only demand the right to ‘work’ from home, but now winter has set in and energy prices have taken a hike, want you paying their heating bills too. A judge has been forced to halt a major drug-smuggling trial in Sheffield, because 'loud and obvious' pornography was blaring from a lawyer's computer - one can only hope this is tractor porn again. Following Elon Musk’s decision to reinstate former President Trump’s Twitter account, Sadiq Khan has called for ‘new regulations’ to police online speech. Don’t worry though, he doesn’t mean ISIS, Hezbollah and Hamas, and he certainly won’t be sending the Old Bill into the mosques.

Hundreds of Chinese-made drones have been detected above the White House, sparking national security fears until a press spokesman revealed they were merely delivering Hunter’s daily coke allowance. The UK Fire Brigade has spent £17,000 decorating fire engines in the colours of the rainbow. It’s reassuring to know the emergency services are doing their best to turn you gay, but that is marred somewhat by the recent report suggesting the Fire Brigade is both institutionally racist and misogynistic. If you phone them when your house is on fire, of course that means you are too.

A fish ‘capable of killing 30 people’ and 1,200 times deadlier than cyanide has apparently hit UK shores - which hotel is the taxpayer putting that up in I wonder? And finally, we don’t do celebrities on the Frank Report, and we certainly don’t do birthdays. But we’re going to make an exception this week, and wish Tina Turner a very happy 83rd. I don’t care if she’s touring in her zimmer frame, she’s still got more talent in her little finger than the rest of the Top-40, and probably more sex appeal too.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, and don’t let the bastards get you down.

Please forgive the begging bowl message. If you enjoy The Frank Report, or any of my other work, please consider making a donation – no matter how small, it will really keep me going. (PS we are in the process of changing our payment provider, but are being stymied by red tape)

Thank you.

Frank Haviland