The Frank Report XVI

We’re all making ‘honest mistakes’ this week, so let me be the first to admit both the Frank Report and The New Conservative erroneously predicted a win for Marine in last week’s French presidential election. It turns out Le Pen is not mightier than Le Sword,  and the globalist cliff-edge la République is driving itself over is more than compensated by a flash of Monsieur Macron’s chest hair, and five more years of necrophilia at the Élysée Palace; you live and learn.

‘Chestfeeding’ meanwhile is the new  craze at the chronically underfunded NHS. Maternity wards are being encouraged to use the term, alongside ‘frontal birth’ as they assist men ‘giving birth via their penis’. This is apparently because a lack of inclusive language is just too triggering for expectant birthing persons.

Across the Channel there has been a moratorium on illegal immigration, with zero migrant crossings in nine days. Heartbroken lefties may be forced to conclude that the ravages of France are not that bad after all, and that the government’s Rwanda plan is working. On the other hand, Macron’s after party may still be in full swing, so it’s too early to tell.

As always, the good news on immigration was tempered slightly - this time by our cousins across the pond. The Yanks are none too happy with our rejection of America’s biggest ponce, Meghan Markle, and have returned the favour by returning James Corden; honours even then.

As Corden heads for Greggs, Meghan is set to enter politics (who could have guessed?) She has felt the need to hire Obama’s PR guru to ‘transform her image’ however, which begs the question, what precisely is it about money-grubbing Democrat charlatans she thinks America disapproves of? Answers on a postcard.

Prince Harry, or Pen Hecked as I like to think of him, has been criticised this week by Prince Charles’ biographer, Johnathan Dimbleby, who claims Harry is 'not the brightest' and that Meghan has 'led him by the nose’ (what else does he think eunuchs are led by?)

But Hazza is fighting back, bidding to change the world with a new podcast ‘Changing the conversation around mental fitness’. I suppose it’s worth reminding ourselves this is the man whose father, Prince Charles, backs face masks for cows in an attempt to tackle climate change. Mounting rumours of insanity in the family were deftly eschewed by Buckingham Palace, when it was pointed out the two aren’t actually related.

The main story this week is the furore at Westminster. Scurrilous claims were made in the Mail on Sunday about Ange Rayner distracting Johnsons at PMQs by crossing and uncrossing her legs. All the right people were aghast: Nicola Sturgeon, who demanded ‘Men need to change’ (we’ve already given our cocks away, what more does she want?) The Speaker, Lindsay Hoyle, attempted to summon the Mail’s editor to the headmaster’s office (beautifully declined), and Sadiq Khan whined ‘Violence against women and girls starts with words: ‘My ex girlfriend is crazy’ and ‘She’s such a drama queen’ (which doesn’t leave poor old Johnny Depp much to play with in court).

The slight problem with all this is that the rumours are true, and it’s Rayner who boasted about the whole thing. Which means the electorate needs to face up to a simple fact: MPs are so desperate to relieve the mind-numbing tedium of Commons debates, they will grab whatever fantasy comes to hand. For Keith Vaz it’s cocaine and rent boy jamborees, while Claudia Webbe still favours the traditional acid party.

It’s hardly surprising that Angela Rayner is auditioning for Basic Instinct instead of basic income, and understandable that Tory frontbenchers wanted a bit more bang for their buck. With a staggering 56 MPs currently under investigation for sexual misconduct by Parliament’s Independent Complaints and Grievances System, it’s no wonder those in the cheap seats are taking desperate measures.

So my heart goes out to Tory MP Neil Parish, who has admitted to watching tractor porn while waiting to vote. I’m obviously naive, but I didn’t even know tractors did porn. Post-Brexit farming subsidies must be in extremely short supply if the machinery is forced to moonlight on Only Fans - perhaps Remainers would do better if they pointed that out?

But these are all ‘honest mistakes’. Seriously, what kind of ridiculous standards are we trying to hold MPs to? Parish viewed the porn by mistake. Just like the honest mistake Keir Starmer made when he forgot Angela Rayner attended the Durham knees-up - you can’t expect him to know where that girl is, not when she blends in so effortlessly with all the Oxbridge types. Similarly, you can’t expect Johnson to know what the rules he made were; whether he was at a party, or what indeed a party is. All I know is this - if tractorporn.com doesn’t give Neil Parish a sponsorship deal, there’s no justice in the world.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whatever honest mistakes you’re making.

https://thenewconservative.co.uk/