The Frank Report XXVIII

Unlike politicians, the sun held up its end of the bargain this week. The extreme heat warning was even extended to the East of Scotland, where temperatures reached a staggering 30 degrees (and that’s before you get inside the kilt). Our beloved NHS set aside a tranche of its £190 Bn budget to inform us that we should drink water when hot, and to avoid putting ice lollies up our vaginas (assuming there’s anyone left who still has one). There are rumours a solar storm is about to strike Earth in a ‘direct hit’, but let’s face it - it’s long overdue.

Not to be outdone, Sadiq Khan warned the capital would be hotter than the Caribbean or the Sahara, which should make a nice change for residents who are homesick. Ever-vigilant in a crisis, Sadie advised Londoners to stay out of the sun and to keep their switchblades in an ice-pack when not in use.

In the unlikely event the sun doesn’t wipe us out, there are fears of ‘Jaws’ making an appearance in the English Channel, as rising temperatures could see sharks stalking British waters. Spielberg was rumoured to be interested in a ‘Jaws’ prequel a few years ago, but nothing materialised. With the benefit of a never-ending stream of illegal immigrant ‘extras’ however, a potential addition to the franchise should now prove financially viable. And even if the film never gets made, a bit of great white privilege lurking around the White Cliffs would at least do the Home Office’s job for them, at a fraction of its £10Bn budget.

Illegal immigrants aren’t the only ones splashing around in the Channel either. The Border Force (or Border Uber Service) have splashed out £39,000 on pizzas in just five months to keep the tourists happy. But it’s still not good enough. The number of asylum seekers ‘languishing’ in hotels has almost trebled in a year. And with the promised holiday of a lifetime to Rwanda delayed until at least 2023, is it any wonder Chief Inspector of Borders and Immigration, David Neal’s report into Home Office processing of migrants was so damning? Neal confirms that illegals are simply absconding into the Kent countryside in their hundreds. Not to worry, we’ll just add them to the list of 1.2M illegals already here; no one will notice, until they start voting Labour.

The Tories haven’t been entirely ineffectual this week however, and have managed to whittle the leadership contest down to the last two - the two least conservative, naturally. With Kemi Badenoch out of the race, the ‘Conservative’ Party have well and truly shot themselves in the Michael Foot. ‘Fishy Rishi’ Sunak is a billionaire globalist in 500 quid shoes, presiding over the highest tax rate since the war; not only that, he’s also fatally endorsed by Tony Blair. Liz Truss for her part is an anti-thatcher, anti-monarchy, Liberal Democrat Remain voter.

The Tories could hardly have found two more left-wing candidates if they’d started pilfering from the Labour backbenches. The geniuses at Conservative Party HQ who thought this would hold the Red Wall want shooting. Electoral oblivion is now guaranteed, the only upside being it may force the Tories to elect someone vaguely right of centre next time around.

While it’s enough to make you vomit, for those of us with strong stomachs the media has unleashed another wave of killer viruses to spoil the summer. Monkeypox is determined to infect children by the end of the year, due to the fact that you haven’t had your jab yet. The new ‘fast-spreading’ Covid ‘Centaurus’ variant has arrived in UK, as ‘cases soar’. Ghana has confirmed the first cases of the deadly ‘Marburg’ virus, which is defined as ‘a highly-contagious global virus, that can cause people to bleed to death’. For those not getting the message, we are told that frequently eating meals prepared away from home is linked to ‘increased death risk’, and that heavy rain is set to ‘soak’ England next week. Ever feel like they’re taking the piss?

In a world of things queuing up to kill you, you’ve got to get your kicks any way you can. I get mine watching the demise of the Duke of Sussex - the billionaire Prince who pissed it all away for the world’s most overpriced blowjob. Harry used to be one of the lads: the nation’s favourite alcoholic, chain-smoking, drug-fuelled Nazi. Now look at him: a ‘burnt out’, abstinent, ‘toxic masculinity’ disavowing eunuch, who looks like the only thing keeping him going is the hope of suicide.

It’s been a busy week for the world’s most dysfunctional couple. Meghan (we were informed) reprimanded Harry’s friends for jokes about sexism and trans people. Hazza’s friends in turn called him ‘f***ing nuts’ for dating her - which proves one thing, at least he had balls to begin with. Harry spent the week jetting into New York City to lecture the UN General Assembly on climate change and poverty, but apparently displayed ‘high levels of tension and anxiety’ while doing so - she can’t cut them off twice, can she? And there was stunning insight from Royal author, Tom Bower, who claims Meghan ‘married Prince Harry to become famous’ - if only any of us had had the wit to spot that.

In other news, LGBTQwerty charity Stonewall have been criticised for claiming two-year-olds can recognise their ‘trans’ identity. Transgender inmates certainly can however, such as Demi Minor, who has managed to get her leg over in female prison at an admirable rate. Lia Thomas has had her name put forward for the NCAA (National Collegiate Athletic Association) Woman of the Year - hopefully the cock will swing it for her.

In racism, there was an unusual move in the dance world. Ballet has been condemned as an ‘elitist white art form’ - not by BLM, but by an elite ballet school, who have since banned it from auditions. Fear not though, Idris Elba is once again the ‘clear favourite’ to take over from Daniel Craig as the next James Bond, so everyone’s a winner. And finally sad news across the pond that Joe Biden has caught Covid, despite his four booster shots. The President is reported to have ‘mild symptoms’, which are thankfully largely masked by his dementia.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, and remember if you’re spontaneously combusting at 30 degrees - they conned you into taking the vaccine so you could enjoy 40.

https://thenewconservative.co.uk/