The Frank Report XXXIV

Welcome to another action-packed edition of the Frank Report. It’s tempting to claim this week’s theme is having a jolly up at the taxpayer’s expense, but how would that be different from any other week? First up was London’s premier family fun day - the Notting Hill Stab Fest, or ‘Carnival’ as it is sometimes known. The BBC were quick to rue that the otherwise PG event was ‘marred by serious stabbing and crime’, because of course that detracts from the exquisite mélange of criminal damage, muggings, GBH, inexhaustible supply of class-A drugs and diversity of sexual assaults, which are the cornerstone of London’s cultural contribution to the world.

While the Old Bill’s policing strategy was evidently performing piss-poor renditions of the Macarena at the first sign of trouble, the criminal element was, well, in its element. Well over 200 arrests were made, including 33 for offensive weapons (no, Prince Andrew wasn’t in the vicinity). Seventy-four police officers were injured, with one female head-locked and sexually assaulted, alongside the seven stabbings and one murder.

Not a bad haul, but a letdown on recent years it must be said. Between 2016 and 2019 the average number of arrests was well over 400. When asked how he explained the poor performance this year, London mayor Sadiq Khan admitted he was disappointed by the figures. He did stress however, it was unreasonable to expect Londoners to pick up where they left off, after a two-year layoff due to lockdown. On a positive note, Khan was keen to highlight the death of a police horse, which had keeled over for no apparent reason - quite possibly an anti-vaxxer and an institutional racist though, so no real loss.   

Meanwhile, not quite on her last legs but showing serious signs of ageing is our beloved monarch, who is now avoiding ‘awkward duties’ that require standing. More than willing to step into the breach is soi-disant ‘real princess’ Meghan Markle. If you’re wondering what a ‘real princess’ is, it’s exactly the same as everyone else’s definition of a princess, except that it isn’t one.

Blue blood or not, it’s been a big week for Meghan. First, she launched her podcasting career, which appears to consist of interviewing A-list guests about herself. She then managed to alienate the entirety of South Africa, by equating her marriage to Prince Harry with the release of Nelson Mandela. Sure, it must already feel like 27 years in solitary confinement to Hazza, but with less chance of a reprieve. But the icing on the cupcake, was Meghan simultaneously bemoaning the ‘constant struggle of fitting in as a light-skinned woman’, and the fact that she wasn’t ‘treated like a Black woman’ until her romance with Harry. You’ve got that, haven’t you? She’s white when it suits and black when it suits - like a Poundland barcode, but with markedly less utility.

It’s been a rough week for racism overall, with the usual grifters genuinely scraping the barrel. Lenny Henry, the man who complains about the lack of black faces on television (when in fact they are almost doubly overrepresented), has taken a swing at the fantasy genre. Set to star in Amazon Prime’s Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power, Henry whines that audiences 'have trouble believing a black person could be a hobbit’ - he realises they’re not real, doesn’t he? Still, at least the white-privilege hogging honkies and gooks have been told where to go by Pfizer, whose prestigious Breakthrough Fellowship Program is restricted to black, Latino and Native American applicants. Sure it’s illegal, but it’s woke so who gives a shit?

If you’re White or Asian and worried about not being able to apply for a job at Pfizer, never fear, you are still entitled to apply for an unnecessary vaccine that might kill you. Finding the Covid boosters a bit samey? No problem, the latest Omicron-specific vaccine has just been rolled out, and thankfully it ‘offers similar protection to existing boosters’ - which means it offers less than zero protection, and could give you a Connery.

Don’t listen to the naysayers. Sure, an international survey of 18,500 unvaccinated people demonstrates evidence of low hospitalisation rates and low incidence among the mask-free, but that’s mere coincidence. Yes, AstraZeneca’s boss is 'not sure' if annual Covid-19 boosters are a good use of money, but what the hell does he know? Certainly, you’ve noticed the British government paying out a paltry £120,000 to ‘misadventure by vaccine’ - but what’s that got to do with the price of fish? Granted, the Omicron boosters weren’t tested on people, but that’s still no reason to question the science.

Winter is coming. Sticking to the script, health bosses are predicting a resurgence of the virus during the autumn and winter, and will be inviting millions for their Covid booster jabs from Monday. This is not the time for independent thinking - asking questions is the surest sign that you’re a Covidiot - and it would also mean you’d have to question why you succumbed so easily to the bullshit two years ago. Remember when in doubt - get the jab first, ask questions after you’re dead.

Speaking of pricks speeding you to your grave, the final hustings has taken place at Westminster, for the right to be Britain’s next unelected Prime Minister. On Monday, despite being less popular than a korma with Keir Starmer, or Boris Johnson with or without cake, Liz Truss or Rishi Sunak will be kissing Her Majesty’s hand, and unveiling their machinations for making Britain even shittier than she is now.

That will take some doing. The country is on its knees more vehemently than a white copper at a BLM orgy. The cost of living crisis shows no sign of abating, with energy bills set to rise by 80% in October. Seventy-five percent of pubs are facing closure, and half of UK households are facing fuel poverty. After 12 years under the Tories, the English Channel is about as prophylactic as a chastity belt around an underage white girl in Telford. If you think that’s bad, the nation is on the verge of a Mars bar shortage; Scotland has already declared a ‘national disaster’.

Still, what you lose in Mars bars you gain in cocks lurking in ladies underwear, as lesbian activist group, ‘Get The L Out’ discovered when they attempted to join a Pride parade in Cardiff. ‘Lesbians don’t like penises’ they shouted, which you’d think would be self-evident, but it cut no ice with the trans lobby nor the Old Bill, who promptly removed them, stating this was ‘no place for hate’.

Just so we’re all singing from the same LGBTQwerty hymn sheet, that’s women who hate cocks being removed from a parade specifically for women who hate cocks, because men with cocks pretending to be women with cocks outrank women without cocks. Clear?

It’s been clear for years that the heavyweight clash between ‘transwomen’ and women was only ever going to have one winner, just as Gay vs Islam failed to live up to the hype in Batley. Forget Tyson Fury versus Oleksandr Usyk, the fight I want to see is Trans versus Islam - that should be worth a ringside seat. Just send the latest drag queen act into a Bradford mosque, and see who comes out alive. Alternatively, that match-up may be achieved faster than we’d hoped, as a certain Eddie Izzard has confessed to serious ambitions to stand as a Labour MP, and hopes to contest Sheffield Central at the next general election. It’s a shame Eddie doesn’t fancy standing mini-skirted in Rotherham - sure he’s a bit older than the girls they usually go for around there, but I’d still pay to see it.

There’s no need to challenge Islam in London, not when mayor Khan has turned the place into his own personal sewer. Concerned about six murders in four days? Nah, that’s the weather, blud. The murder of 87-year-old wheelchair-bound pensioner, Thomas O’Halloran? He was white, don’t sweat it. How about nine-year-old Olivia Pratt-Korbel, shot dead in the chest in the sanctuary of her own home? Not interested - now if she’d been a black career criminal, you might have something.

While this heinous crime rapidly disappears from front-page news, Khants like Sadiq prattle on about ‘excess deaths this winter due to the energy crisis’, and ‘climate change is a racial justice issue’. With the possible exception of the Mayor of Amity Island in Jaws, never before has such a dickless peacock been less worthy of his vainglory. Anyone with a shred of decency would have resigned years ago. Failing that, the position of London Mayor should be disbanded immediately - a pointless position, with a pointless popinjay at the helm. Olivia, rest in peace darling - you deserved so much better.

In other news, Britain’s new £3Bn warship ground to a halt off the Isle of Wight because the propeller shaft wasn’t greased properly - perhaps it’s holding out for a bribe like the French? Shamima Begum’s lawyer claims her UK immigration appeal hearing will certainly change after claims she was smuggled by a Canadian spy - please tell us it was Justine Trudeau blacked up?

There was good news for tea drinkers, as a recent study suggests at least two cups a day protects your heart and increases the chances of living longer; as an aside I manage about 20 cups a day although I was forced to get two Covid jabs, so I’d say that gives me about a 50/50 shot at survival. Across the pond, Joe Biden has officially filed to run for re-election, although perhaps that ought to read ‘stumble inanely for re-election’

And finally onto erections, assuming you can still get it up after all those jabs? New research suggests that men should ejaculate 21 times a month. Don’t worry if you’re a little behind schedule, The Frank Report has it on good authority that James O’Brien and Owen Jones have already covered your quotas.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whichever Prime Minister you didn’t vote for.

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