Parental alienation is wicked. It is indeed child abuse. Bullies have ruled for far too long. I’m afraid the resident parent is always believed by Child Maintenance. Cafcass is pot luck. If you get an incompetent officer you’re in a constant battle. Legal costs are horrendous. I see very little evidence of justice where non-resident fathers and mothers are concerned. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. There are many (usually but not always) men who are in the same situation. I know that’s cold comfort.
I almost didn't read your post because I knew it'd make me cry. I feel for you and send you my kindest wishes that you will know some hope as time goes on. I know it's not the same but as grandparents, we've been through the mangle these past few years. It culminated with us not being able to see our grandsons at all the Christmas before last. Or son is a violent alcoholic and his wife enables it. We've been like second parents to the boys since they were born. We've been through the court process but the parents were believed and we were cast as interfering nuisances. We see the boys occasionally now and they don't look well or happy. They ask to see us more often but my son doesn't want them talking to us about their home lives. People have told us that one day, they'll make their own minds up and will always know deep down we love them and that is true. For you too. Our worry is that we mightn't be around to see that happen. Children in this country don't really have a voice. Neither do good fathers like you. Things can change, very slowly though. Keep hope in your heart and do things that calm you
Most kind, thank you Pauline. Sorry to hear about your situation. I keep being told the same thing - 'don't worry, they'll come back eventually', but it's cold comfort. Atb
Sad story but a fairly common one these days unfortunately Frank. The worse part of this story was the whiskey at 10am. An almost inevitable response but totally the wrong one. Booze always makes it worse as George Bailey found out.
Hi Frank, I have tears in (well, one of) my eyes now. I'd like to suggest, as an encouragement, that as time goes on, your now-alienated kids will gain the maturity to reconsider their opinion of you. Their comparison of "her" incessant badmouthing with your genuine decency could lead to a sea change. Best wishes from the Georgia to your west, not the one with Gori & Stalin.
If there is such a thing as toxic masculinity, there is certainly such a thing as toxic feminity (which must have a lot in common with passive aggression); and, for the man, it can make separation even worse than divorce .
I have a friend whose son is separated from his wife, by about 250 miles. The wife insisted on a separation because, she said, her husband shouted at her and no one had ever shouted in the home she had been brought up in. How often he shouted I don't know but he was not in the slightest bit violent, and (I believe) any reasonable person would thave thought the wife's reason for separating trivial, a mere excuse.
The husband had to move away, close to his parents because, just about the same time, he lost his job, they lost their house, and his wife, with their son, moved back in with her own parents.
Now, because the two are separated not divorced, the husband has nothing you could call rights at all. Access to hs son is dependent entirely on his wife's good will, which doesn't extend either to going with her son to stay with her husband or her in-laws (where she would be very welcome) or allowing the child to go on hs own. If the husband or his parents are to see the child, they must travel the 250 miles and stay at a B&B.
There is no question, I believe, that the wife might think that the child doesn't want his father. The two spent a lot of time this Christmas on the phone together and the child, I understand, cries when his father has to return after a visit.
The woman is content to deprive, it seems to me, not only her husband and his parents of the her son but her son of his father and half his grandparents. But, of course, while 'doing nothing wrong', certainly nothing anywhere near as bad as shouting.
Oh Frank, I'm so sorry. The way the world works these days is rubbish. There is no fairness, it's just an illusion. The only thing I can say is that you must carry on being as good, kind and available to your children as you can - don't lower yourself to match your wife - because your children will then carry your image in their hearts rather than believe the lies.
Well shit mate, my heart goes out to you, as I went through exactly the same thing...financially raped and denied access to my children by a nasty and vindictive ex wife. It was the bleakest and most bitter of times.
That was 22 years ago. My now 30 year old daughter just gave birth to my Grandson on New Years Eve, and she encouraged me to hold him shortly after he was born. My youngest son is sitting next to me and my partner, reading a book. My children all roll their eyes at any mention of their idiot mother.
Sooo...it may not help you much to hear that at this dark time, but it is possible to persevere and prevail. It's far from bloody easy, as I know well, but it is possible.
Very best wishes for the future, dont give up and Illegitimi non carborundum.
Parental alienation is wicked. It is indeed child abuse. Bullies have ruled for far too long. I’m afraid the resident parent is always believed by Child Maintenance. Cafcass is pot luck. If you get an incompetent officer you’re in a constant battle. Legal costs are horrendous. I see very little evidence of justice where non-resident fathers and mothers are concerned. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. There are many (usually but not always) men who are in the same situation. I know that’s cold comfort.
Thanks a lot Jane, I really appreciate it.
I almost didn't read your post because I knew it'd make me cry. I feel for you and send you my kindest wishes that you will know some hope as time goes on. I know it's not the same but as grandparents, we've been through the mangle these past few years. It culminated with us not being able to see our grandsons at all the Christmas before last. Or son is a violent alcoholic and his wife enables it. We've been like second parents to the boys since they were born. We've been through the court process but the parents were believed and we were cast as interfering nuisances. We see the boys occasionally now and they don't look well or happy. They ask to see us more often but my son doesn't want them talking to us about their home lives. People have told us that one day, they'll make their own minds up and will always know deep down we love them and that is true. For you too. Our worry is that we mightn't be around to see that happen. Children in this country don't really have a voice. Neither do good fathers like you. Things can change, very slowly though. Keep hope in your heart and do things that calm you
Most kind, thank you Pauline. Sorry to hear about your situation. I keep being told the same thing - 'don't worry, they'll come back eventually', but it's cold comfort. Atb
Good Luck to you Frank I feel for you and hope you make it into the new year.I hope you have a prosperous New Year and see a lot of your kids.
Thanks Alan, I'm still fighting!
Sad story but a fairly common one these days unfortunately Frank. The worse part of this story was the whiskey at 10am. An almost inevitable response but totally the wrong one. Booze always makes it worse as George Bailey found out.
Usually have an early scotch on Christmas Day, but as you say this time around it wasn't as much fun.
Hi Frank, I have tears in (well, one of) my eyes now. I'd like to suggest, as an encouragement, that as time goes on, your now-alienated kids will gain the maturity to reconsider their opinion of you. Their comparison of "her" incessant badmouthing with your genuine decency could lead to a sea change. Best wishes from the Georgia to your west, not the one with Gori & Stalin.
If there is such a thing as toxic masculinity, there is certainly such a thing as toxic feminity (which must have a lot in common with passive aggression); and, for the man, it can make separation even worse than divorce .
I have a friend whose son is separated from his wife, by about 250 miles. The wife insisted on a separation because, she said, her husband shouted at her and no one had ever shouted in the home she had been brought up in. How often he shouted I don't know but he was not in the slightest bit violent, and (I believe) any reasonable person would thave thought the wife's reason for separating trivial, a mere excuse.
The husband had to move away, close to his parents because, just about the same time, he lost his job, they lost their house, and his wife, with their son, moved back in with her own parents.
Now, because the two are separated not divorced, the husband has nothing you could call rights at all. Access to hs son is dependent entirely on his wife's good will, which doesn't extend either to going with her son to stay with her husband or her in-laws (where she would be very welcome) or allowing the child to go on hs own. If the husband or his parents are to see the child, they must travel the 250 miles and stay at a B&B.
There is no question, I believe, that the wife might think that the child doesn't want his father. The two spent a lot of time this Christmas on the phone together and the child, I understand, cries when his father has to return after a visit.
The woman is content to deprive, it seems to me, not only her husband and his parents of the her son but her son of his father and half his grandparents. But, of course, while 'doing nothing wrong', certainly nothing anywhere near as bad as shouting.
If not a femininity that's toxic, what?
Oh Frank, I'm so sorry. The way the world works these days is rubbish. There is no fairness, it's just an illusion. The only thing I can say is that you must carry on being as good, kind and available to your children as you can - don't lower yourself to match your wife - because your children will then carry your image in their hearts rather than believe the lies.
Well shit mate, my heart goes out to you, as I went through exactly the same thing...financially raped and denied access to my children by a nasty and vindictive ex wife. It was the bleakest and most bitter of times.
That was 22 years ago. My now 30 year old daughter just gave birth to my Grandson on New Years Eve, and she encouraged me to hold him shortly after he was born. My youngest son is sitting next to me and my partner, reading a book. My children all roll their eyes at any mention of their idiot mother.
Sooo...it may not help you much to hear that at this dark time, but it is possible to persevere and prevail. It's far from bloody easy, as I know well, but it is possible.
Very best wishes for the future, dont give up and Illegitimi non carborundum.
This is a great piece, Frank.