The Cruelty of Parental Alienation

I am the father of two young daughters. They are more precious to me than everything else in the universe combined. I would die for them without a moment’s hesitation, and consider myself honoured to have been given the opportunity. Right now, they are being stolen from me before my eyes, and it is not obvious what I can do about it.

I shall refrain from sharing the details of my unhappy marriage, except to say this: I have done everything in my power to avoid a divorce. Coming from a psychology background, I am only too aware of the deleterious effects that would have on my children, no matter how civil the split. Fatherless children in particular perform poorly on almost every metric, including education, poverty, child pregnancy, drug use, abuse, and prison. This coupled with the excruciating realisation that I would not be there for them when they most needed me, and instead would find themselves at the mercy of whatever third-rate surrogate I am supplanted by. My plan therefore for years has been to hold on until my daughters were adults, and then get the hell out.

That option has been taken off the table now, because my wife has filed for divorce herself. The demands made are interesting: 100% of the family assets (despite my wife having never worked throughout the marriage), a large compensation payment for ‘damages’ (ludicrous, if you knew the circumstances), a healthy alimony cheque and worst of all, sole custody of the children. Seeing as there is zero chance of this being awarded (even in the misandrist hell of the divorce court), manoeuvres were necessary. And they have been deployed exhaustively. “You never know a person until money is involved” as the saying goes, but I’d wager ‘divorce’ gets you there even faster.

Since filing a month ago, I have been constantly putting out fires courtesy of the police and the social services, accusing me of everything from assault to child abuse. Mysteriously, these events all coincide with a divorce settlement, contingent on a negative verdict on my character. Laying a trail of accusations of violence is a tried-and-tested tactic in the legal profession, known as the ‘Silver Bullet Divorce’. Depending on the jurisdiction, men may be accused of violence without evidence, and are routinely removed from the family home and the lives of their children. For the record, despite my views on smacking, I have never hit my children and would not dream of doing so.

These accusations are so evidently false, no further action has been taken. And despite my natural mistrust of the authorities, I must begrudgingly doff my cap to them in this regard. Unfortunately, my accuser has now moved on to ‘parental alienation’ - an evil I had not even heard of, nor imagined existed. It started when my daughters came home from school one day, and instead of the customary hugs, they both ignored my greeting and refused to even look me in the eye. Since then, it has escalated. My youngest repeatedly says things like “I love Mummy the best", and even “I hate Daddy”. My eldest initially appeared to be more resilient, but after her mother made her cry when she wanted to go on an outing with me, has become more distant. She now refuses to come when I call her and is physically reticent.

According to Psychology Today, parental alienation is a form of domestic abuse:

At its core, parental alienation, where one partner or post-partner turns everyone in a family’s orbit against the other partner, is a form of domestic abuse. We sometimes mistakenly believe domestic abuse happens only inside intact families. In fact, as long as the fabric of the family is maintained—despite a change in its context, such as through separation or divorce—the ground of the relationship remains fertile for sowing the seeds of discontent. Children are typically the glue holding this dysfunction together and, as such, quickly become the currency of alienation.

Within this context, children may also become the currency of abuse. The abuser uses them—their affection, their availability, and even their loyalty to the abused parent—to leverage the parent who is the target of alienation. They become weaponized. Emotional abuse is a much more powerful—and damaging—tool than physical, financial, and even psychosocial abuse, and, given our attachment to our children, that much more devastating.

The collateral damage here is the kids. Alienators may have high levels of narcissistic traits and may be bent on power and control. They do not consider collateral damage. Rather, they consider outcomes that serve their needs. In the case of parental alienation, that need is primarily to inflict pain on their partner or post-partner because of their perception they have been dismissed or devalued.

The difficulty fighting parental alienation is that firstly it is not considered a criminal offence, and secondly it requires extremely high levels of proof - and how exactly do you get that, when your children spend 90% of their time with their mother, and in addition they’ve been instructed to lie to you? My own case however, seems to include textbook signs: restrictions on the time spent in my company; lying to the children, e.g. “Daddy doesn’t love you anymore"; and emotional blackmail - punishing the children when they express favourable views of the other parent. Particularly distressing was a recent social media photo proudly posted by my wife, in which my daughter had painted the following: “I am happy with my lovely family: my mum, my little sister and me. We fight sometimes, but we are always together. I love my family.” In the space of a month, I have been written out of my daughter’s life.

Even in such a short space of time, the effects on my health have been considerable. I look about ten years older, and have lost a stone and a half in just four weeks. If implemented, basic visitation rights post separation are twice a month - despite the fact that no actual crime has been committed on my part. Faced with such a prospect, I can’t sleep, I hardly eat, and feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The pain is unbearable.

The narrative of ‘toxic masculinity’ and those who peddle it have a lot to answer for. A society focussed exclusively on the evils of the ‘Patriarchy’, may be allowing the Matriarchy a little too much leeway. While misandry is commonplace and feminist chants of “kill all men” are seen as ‘empowering’, legitimate criticism of women is routinely written off as ‘misogyny’. That dam may soon be broken. False victimhood is now being exposed regularly in the public square, with Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt recent famous cases. It’s not as if the statistics don’t exist either. In terms of violence alone, women attack their partners physically more than men do. Not only that, but women also abuse children more than men. Parental alienation undoubtedly should be added to that list of crimes.

I contacted various child protection groups and bodies while researching this piece, and particularly helpful was Simon Cobb, the founder of PAPA (People Against Parental Alienation). Having experienced the horrors of parental alienation firsthand, Cobb fought against it for years, and eventually gained equal access to his son.

According to Cobb, it is estimated that 70% of separations result in some form of alienating behaviours, and PAPA’s 100,000 followers certainly suggests the phenomenon is widespread. It appears that mothers are much more likely to exclude fathers (judging by PAPA’s 95% male membership), although this is at least partially explained by opportunity - i.e the likelihood of mothers winning custody.

In terms of legality, regrettably the law does not yet recognise parental alienation as a criminal offence, although Cobb is optimistic:

It is already recognised that coercive control is a criminal offence and it’s undeniable that parental alienation is a form of coercive control. It’s also recognised that non-accidental injury to a child is an offence and is something that authorities have a duty to intervene with. Parental alienation is a severe trauma and psychological injury to a child, so I do believe we are half way to making these links among others.

For anyone experiencing parental alienation, there is help and support available. PAPA is the UK’s largest support network for alienated parents, hosting active chat rooms in addition to providing free information, and with the imminent release of free legal guides.

Depriving a child of a loving father has no benefit for the child, the father, or society as a whole, and robs a family of precious memories they will never be able to recreate. Jordan Peterson was once lambasted for saying “I don’t think that men can control crazy women”, but he had a point. Without recourse to violence, what, dear feminists, is a father supposed to do with an out of control woman who is actively stealing his children from him, and a legal system which recognises him only as a second-class parent? Men commit suicide four times more than women in regular circumstances, but fathers who are victims of the divorce system kill themselves eight times more. If those numbers were reversed, every western government would be prioritising its correction.

In my own sorry case, there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon. As I went to work this morning, my second daughter (who hasn’t looked directly at me for a week) shouted out “I love you Daddy!” She’s only 3, but she’s fighting! It was all I could manage not to burst into tears.

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

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