The Frank Report XLVIII

Welcome to this week’s edition of the Frank Report, where once again you find me on my deathbed. Not the Wuflu this time fortunately, the old-fashioned kind; you remember the one that’s remarkably similar, but never quite got the advertising. Still, unlike the majority of British industries that shirk their responsibility the minute 17% pay rise demands are not acquiesced to, the Frank Report has never let you down before, and has no plans to start now. So make sure the teapot’s full, the toast is piping hot, the biscuit tin overflowing and off we go!

As 2023 approaches, the geniuses at Westminster have been hard at work, trying to devise ways to make your life even more miserable. With China uncertain as to whether they will have another variant ready for 2023, it has fallen to others to keep the lockdowns coming. First up is a coalition of Labour, Lib Dem and Green councillors in Oxford, who are planning to divide the city into seven zones, and restrict movement between them to ‘combat climate change’. At least in the case of Covid, the threat of death was believable (until we saw how seriously our leaders took it). The climate change grift however is taking the piss a bit now, particularly since the media have spent the past week telling us to look out for nan and grandad during the cold snap. Unable as most are to heat their homes, this winter is likely to kill off all the old bastards the vaccines failed to terminate. Perhaps we’ve got our priorities wrong, and the odd few degrees above freezing would be welcome.

Khant of the week was unquestionably London Mayor Sadie, who tweeted his concerns that Black Londoners are being unfairly targeted by police stop and search methods:

Along with the Met Commissioner, I’ve announced a host of new actions to tackle the disproportionate treatment of Black Londoners to improve trust and confidence in the Met. It’s simply not right that Black Londoners have less trust and confidence in our police service and it’s something the new Met Commissioner and I are determined to improve together.

Along with the battle for clean air and transgender visibility, you can’t fault Khan for facing the controversial issues others fear to touch - until you examine the figures, and discover Black Londoners aren’t being stopped nearly enough. While making up just 6.5% of the population, black men account for 53% of knife crime and 61% of knife murders. A+ for effort certainly, though one might conclude that a bit more stop and search is just what the doctor ordered. On the other hand, stopping and searching more octogenarian honkies would no doubt make the (predominantly black) victims and their families feel much better.

At Tory HQ meanwhile, things are looking pretty grim for the Tories, as Conservatives are finally catching on to the reality that there is little or no conservatism about them. Councillor David White claims the Tory Party ‘has changed, with them being unable or unwilling to make the big decisions’. In fairness to them, the Tories have been relentlessly non-conservative for the past 12 years, but at least people are finally cottoning on. White is the first of what may well be a deluge of defections to the Reform Party, particularly with Westminster polls showing Starmer’s unelectable Labour at 48% compared to the Tory vote share of just 24%.

Still, it’s Christmas just around the corner - a chance for us all to let our hair down, and take a break from politics. If you’re a churchgoer in Ipswich, you might want to steer clear of the nativity scene however, as ‘Barbarians’ are now routinely smashing parish nativities to pieces, including the beheading of Jesus. It’s uncertain who possesses the motivation to do such a thing, particularly since the media appear remarkably incurious about a description of the perpetrators. I blame the buddhists, myself.

No need to worry, have a pop round to your local Christmas market for a bit of festive cheer. And don’t fret if you’re in Lincolnshire, those wonderful police officers on Twitter are more than on the ball: ‘We have armed officers at this year's #LincolnChristmasMarket and we hope they provide reassurance that we're here to keep you safe. If you feel uneasy, feel free to approach them for a chat!’ If that doesn’t make you feel safe, nothing will.

If you’re too scared to venture outside (and who could blame you), why not stay in and catch up with the latest Netflix saga - Harry & Meghan. In one of the most self-effacing acts since former President Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George Bush, the world’s most private couple have eschewed their customary reticence, and released a tell-all documentary into their monastic lives. As I have confessed before, I would rather get my Hampton caught in a Kenwood Chef than watch that farrago of Z-list onanism, but with social media an open sewer of selected clips, I suspect it is even worse than we feared.

It’s been a busy week for the Royals truth be told. The almost Churchillianly British Ngozi Fulani has hit the jackpot, invited to the palace by Charles and Camilla for the grift of pretending to be offended by the question ‘Where are you from?’ Prince Harry confirms the Nazi costume was 'one of the biggest mistakes of my life' - Meghan being the biggest naturally. And Doris Ragland, Meghan’s mother, claims she knew instantly that Prince Harry was ‘The One’. True love is a mystery of course, and it’s not always easy spotting the telltale signs, but Prince Harry’s cuckolded father, mother issues, and the odd billion quid should have been a giveaway.

If you’re concerned this year’s Christmas will be a bleak affair, succour is being provided from the most unexpected of places. Covid of all things is going to enrich your dinner table, as experts warn Broccoli and raspberries could give you the virus, after discovering it can live on popular foods for up to a week. All these years you’ve failed to come up with an excuse for refusing those never-ending green bogeys as they’re tipped generously onto your plate - now you know what to do!

There is also news that the NHS shut down more services during Covid than almost every other European country. While other nations like Denmark had the wit to keep services open for those with terminal illnesses, Britain ‘protected the NHS’ out of a job. Particularly reprehensible was cancer treatment down 36%, hip replacements down 48% and knee replacements down 68%. Still, the dead did get to watch some fabulous TikTok videos - bet you’re glad you clapped for the chancers now aren’t you?

And if you thought that wasn’t bad enough, Pfizer's Covid vaccine has been authorised in the U.K. for infants aged six months to four years-old, despite a study showing nearly 1 in 500 are hospitalised with side-effects. It’s rarely a good idea telling other people how to raise their children, but if you’re seriously considering injecting this shit into your kids, knowing they are at absolutely no risk whatsoever, and knowing what we now know, you want shooting.

You’ll have to wait though, as the public have bigger fish to fry - namely the Home Office staff, charged with immigration control, or lack thereof. This week, current Home Secretary, Suella Braverman, made the astonishing revelation that the number of migrants crossing the Channel is ‘wholly unacceptable and unsustainable.’

Yes, we’ve got that luv - any chance of some action?

To be fair to Suella, it’s not her fault Home Office workers are among the most unenthusiastic you will find on our shores. Refusing to stop working from home, and now, with the asylum system heavily backlogged, requiring bribes to actually do their job, the Home Office could feasibly be shutdown with scant discernible consequences. With no end to the invasion in sight, Downing Street has taken the unusual step of tough talk - refusing to rule out a ban on illegal migrants settling in the UK (although interestingly, refusing to rule out an amnesty either). Aware of the urgency of the situation, Rishi Sunak has promised a crackdown on Channel migrant people traffickers this week - which presumably means the RNLI will soon find itself in the dock?

In other news, the gender pay gap is greatest for women in their 50s and 60s - which is a roundabout way of saying those who work fewer hours in less-demanding roles earn less. If that’s still too much misogyny for this early in the morning, fear not - Joe Biden knows which side his bread is buttered even if I don’t, and has just effected the worst prisoner swap in history. Rather than secure the long-awaited release of war veteran and former marine Paul Whelan, Biden has fought hard to bring home the America-hating, drug smuggling, LGBTQwerty lesbian icon Brittney Griner. Some might argue that the release of the ‘Merchant of Death’, Viktor Bout, one of the most dangerous men in the world (Biden aside) was a high price to pay, but they clearly haven’t considered the optics of Biden getting a good sniff of the 6’9’’ Griner’s navel.

It’s hard to say why Whelan’s toxic masculinity and white privilege malfunctioned on him in this way, but clearly the decision was a no-brainer for Biden - just as well, as his is rumoured to be on long-term loan at Sesame Street. Still, things could be worse for Whelan, left to rot in a jail cell by his country - in North Korea two teenagers were executed by firing squad this week for watching South Korean films. A little harsh I hear you say, but still infinitely preferable to Western torture methods, where they make you sit through the entire H&M Netflix whinge-fest without vomit breaks.

And finally, as Elon Musk continues to reveal the depth of social media suppression of conservative voices with his release of Twitter files, he joked that he is ‘definitely not suicidal’, to which Hilary Clinton is alleged to have replied ‘Suicide victims usually have little say in the matter’.

That was Frank’s week. I’m now off to bed with a hot water bottle full of Scotch.

Take care of yourselves, and if you die of cold this winter, comfort yourself in the knowledge - it’s what Greta would have wanted.

Please forgive the begging bowl message. If you enjoy The Frank Report, or any of my other work, please consider making a donation – no matter how small, it will really keep me going. (PS we are in the process of changing our payment provider, but are being stymied by red tape)

Thank you.

Frank Haviland